The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16
by Darko28
Summary: The diary of Draco Malfoy, devoted son, worthless prat, and self proclaimed sex god, not to mention bother to his parents new love child. Chapter Nine now up. Interhousial relationships, runaway cats, and Terry Boot!
1. The Disgrace of Draco Malfoy

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** A year in the life of Draco Malfoy, a devoted son and worthless prat not mention loving brother.

**Author:** Punk up the Volume

* * *

**Thursday August 22nd  
**  
Today, I, Draco Malfoy, only heir to the Malfoy empire, turned sixteen years old. Was this joyous occasions marked with abundant gifts and a wonderful party? No, of course not! My parents are far too self centered to realize that it is the birthday of their darling son.

I left several hints around the house, trying to clue them in. It's not everyday their only child turns sixteen, is it? I made the houseelves hang several banners all around the house with slogans such as "Have You Hugged You Sixteen Year Old Today?" and "Why Not Bake a Cake?" Unfortunately, the Lunatic had his nose stuck in a book and walked right through my masterpiece. He got all tangled up and fell down the stairs. He was screaming and cursing and grabbing at his ankle like it was about to fall off. I can't believe he wrecked my banner!

I walked into Mum's room right as she was sick all over the basin. I asked her why she had to be sick today of all days, but the hint was lost on her. She screamed and shouted at me to go be a prat in my own room.

I did recieve a rather large package from Pansy. Even though it was from the pug, it smelled like cookies, so I opened it. I was extremely disgusted to find that they were oatmeal raisin! I promptly repackaged them and threw them out the window.

Lucius the Lunatic was dead mad when he stormed into my room. He had been walking past my window when a large package dropped on his head. He started raging on about how now that I am sixteen, I must start making proper alliances. I asked him if that meant I had to shack up with Pansy Pug. He merely grunted and kicked the house elf as he stormed out of my room.

Crabbe and Goyle stopped by. We had a nice cup of tea and then spit at the gardener from Mum's balcony. It was all in good fun.

Mum says we have to make a trip to Diagon Alley tomorrow for school supplies. I told her that I'd rather stay home with the Lunatic. I think he might actually be going insane. He has been pacing an awful lot lately. It can't be good for my nerves.

**Friday August 23nd**

Mum's in a horrible mood. She had to cancel our trip to Diagon Alley today because she has to find a new gardener. The old one stormed out yesterday in a huff. I can't imagine why.

Counted my spots in the bathroom mirror today. There's sixteen of them! I must do something before my handsome face is scarred forever. I need more spot cream.

**Saturday August 24th**

Counted my spots again. There's two new ones! This trend must be stopped. The Lunatic was banging on the door, yelling that I better not be doing what he thought I was doing in there. I yelled back that I am sex god at school, that hoardes of girls are begging to have a go at it with me and there's no need for me to be doing what he thought I was doing.

Tried on my old school trousers. I must have grown gobs this summer because they only go down to my ankles now. Not only that, the knees are shot all to hell. I suppose that's what comes from snogging in the grass with Blaise during finals week. It did help my stress levels, however; I recieved an O on my Potions exam.

Mum'll be furious.

**Sunday August 25th  
**  
Mum and I finally made our trek to Diagon Alley. She remembered my birthday, and only three days later! To make up for it, she bought me a giant birthday sundae from Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. It was quite embarressing, really. Mr. Fortescue came out with sparklers and a party hat. As soon as he looked away, I chucked it at Ron Weasley, who was walking by with his little sister.

Mum abandoned me at Madam Malkin's while I was getting fit for new robes and skivvied over to the closest pub. She obviously had a few too many whiskey's because I had to balance her on the way out. Honestly, what an embarressment to the family!

**Monday August 26th  
**  
Received a late birthday card from Great Aunt Neptuna on my mum's side. I think she's going a bit nutters because in the card she wrote "to my dear Sally" and inside were two tickets to the 1978 Quidditch World Cup. I was quite disappointed.

Also received a love poem from Pansy. She wrote:  
_  
My heart yearns my love _

_For your passionate embrace _

_I pine I perish _

_I long for you_

Silly sod! It doesn't even rhyme. Ha! I quickly tore it into tiny bits and fed it to the Lunatic's new owl, Silas. I felt much better afterwards.

**Tuesday August 27th**

As per usual, the Lunatic is in a right bad mood. He's walking around grumbling because Silas was sick all over his new robes. I chuckled heartily at his expense.

I think the new gardener is crazy. He just sits in the tool shed behind the Quidditch pitch, staring out the window and muttering to himself. Also, one of our houseelves is missing, and I heard strange screaming sounds coming from that direction late last night. Hermione Granged would be appalled! Ha! Ha!

**Wednesday August 28th**

Counted my spots. Only nine! My luck is improving. The Lunatic was banging on the bathroom door like some kind of…well, lunatic. He shouted that while good grooming is a sign of power, I had other things to worry about, like trimming the rose bushes. My parents are actually forcing me to labor because another gardener walked out on us. Just to spite the Lunatic, I shimmied out the window and left him to shout at an empty room. Unfortunately, this plan was not to well thought out because I landed in the rose bushes and had to scream for help until the house elf came round to save me. Lucius is right, they really do need trimmed.

Hell if I'm going to do it, however.

Mum is sick again. She stayed in bed all morning, moaning and groaning. I offered to make her some tea, but I forgot a few minutes later. I have a horrible memory. I should ask Mum to buy me some of those memory enhancing pills. I heard they increase sexual drive as well.

The Lunatic has done nothing to ease the suffering of his loving wife. He just keeps pacing around the drawing room, muttering under his breath. I have called a professional from St. Mungos to ask if this is normal behavoir. He said that I should bring the Lunatic in right away. I must think of a way to lure him to the hospital.

This place is a nuthouse. I can't wait to go back to school.

**Thursday August 29th  
**  
Ah! The horror! The complete and utter horror!

My Mum is...pregnant!

How can this be happening? Especially at her age! She's already thirty five after all. I thought that at that age you couldn't even have children anymore! I will die of embarressment. I mean you would expect this from one of the Weasley's, they squeeze out babies left and right!

Mum told me as she was wallowing in bed, sick again. It was morning sickness that made her so blinded to my needs. She's already four months along and didn't bother to tell me! How unkind is that? I should have known; she did seem a lot fatter than last summer. I thought it was just impolite to tell her so.

I questioned her to how this could happen. Why didn't she use contraception? I told her that I have a whole drawer full in my dresser and I would have been happy to loan her some. Instead of telling me how generous I was, she blushed dead red and told me to go pull weeds. I assumed she was joking and went to count my spots.

There's two new ones!

The horror of it all!

**Friday August 30th  
**  
I leave for Hogwarts tommorrow, but nobody in this excuse for a family seems to care. Mum's been walking around, dead happy, now that she's not throwing up left and right. Lucius is even looking a bit chipper. I heard them whispering in their room. They said they hoped the new baby turned out better than I did!

There's is no compassion in this family.

**Saturday September 1st**

The Lunatic took me to the Hogwarts Express. He slipped me a few galleons and told me to buy myself a good time. I hoped he was joking. The best you could get with three galleons is Pansy Parkinson! Speaking of which, I managed to avoid her the entire way to Hogwarts. Sat with Crabbe and Goyle, as per usual. They spent the entire trip trying to make chocolate frogs explode. They succeeded only in get chocolate stains all over my new robes.

Saw Blaise Zabini snogging with Terry Boot on my way to the sweets cart. Was dead jealous. What I wouldn't fancy to be in his position.

Arrived at Hogwarts and looked at all the wee first years, scared to death. Honestly, our lot of first years this term are pathetic. Slytherin is starting to become a riffraff house!

Pansy was hanging all over me at supper. She was practically in my lap! It's very hard to eat my Yorkshire pudding when she's whispering naughty thoughts in my ear. I practically gagged.

Only eight spots. What luck!

**Sunday September 2nd**

Received my schedule today. Was shocked and dismayed to find that I'd been put down for Muggle Studies class! Stormed right into McGonagall's office and demanded a change. I refuse to learn about muggles. It would be a travesty. The Lunatic would be appalled.

McGonagall told me it was no mistake. Apparently, it has become a mandatory class! I told that silly sod of a deputy headmaster to stuff it.

I have three detentions.

**Monday September 3rd**

First day of classes. I refused to go to Muggle Studies. I chained myself to my bed. I told the administration I am going on a hunger strike until my schedule is changed. McGonagall has sent a message to my father and I'm glad! He'll understand.

Only five spots! Perhaps the school food is doing me some good.

**Tuesday September 4th  
**  
Received Howler from the Lunatic. He told me that if I didn't go to my classes he would pull me out of Hogwarts and I would work as a scullery maid for the rest of my days. I imagined my life as one of lower classes and promptly skivvied off to class.

I bet you the Lunatic's sudden change of heart has something to do with that damn baby. When it is born I will smother it with a pillow. It is causing me misery already and the bloody thing hasn't even been born yet. Crabbe was dead supportive. He offered me some of his chocolate frogs, but I turned him down. My complexion isn't ready for another chocolate shock.

Four spots!

**Wednesday September 5th  
**  
Went to Muggle Studies due to extreme parental pressure. No wonder the teenage suicide rate is so high! I bet it's because all their mother's have gone and gotten themselves knocked up!

Just my luck, the teacher, Professor Cornerlius assigned me to sit with that worthless Weasley, Ginevra. She made numerous jokes about my spots. I just about punched her in the nose, but then again, I am a gentlemen. Instead, I thought up vicious rumors to spread about her after class.

Had a nice snog with Blaise after supper. I am quite satisfied.

**Thursday September 6th**

Sitting next to the littlest Weasley is dead boring. All she does is sit there and pay attention. I must admit that her ass if quite tight. Perhaps I should reconsider my feelings of hatred towards her. She has v. nice figure.

Worst luck! Six new spots!

**Friday September 7th**

If I thought my life could not be any worse, I was wrong. Received letter from my Mum, reporting that the baby is a boy. Wonderful, another little Lunatic running around the manor. I will never have any privacy. Mum did seem dead disappointed, though. I suppose she wanted a girl. I refuse to think of the baby by gender. I will continue to call it "IT".

Three new spots! It must be the Spotted Dick.

Served last detention. Scrubbing desks while Professor Cornelius meditated. I was alarmed and frightened for my life by her humming and chanting.

**Saturday September 8th**

Avoided Pansy most of the day. Unfortunately she wrote me another poem. At least this one rhymed.

_Dearest Drake _

_I long to make _

_out with you and snuggle too _

_Behind the Quidditch pitch_

Honestly! Not even my mother calls me Drake! I was disgusted.

**Sunday September 9th**

First Quidditch practice of the season. The new captain is a pompous seventh year name Derek Mulhoney. He does have a better complexion, I admit, but he is the worst flyer I have ever seen!

Potty, Weasel, and the Mudblood were up in the stands yelling rude comments and making crude hand gestures. They were far two distracting so I threw the bludger at them. Unfortunately, it hit Weasley in the mouth and knocked out two of his teeth.

Three more detentions. But on the bright side, only one spot! I shall throw myself a celebration party.

**Monday September 10th**

Ginny asked why I was leering at her during Muggle Studies. I replied that I was trying to figure out where her breasts should be. She promptly slapped me. I was only joking of course; she has a v. nice chest.

I saw her brother walking down the hallway today. He looks quite atrocious. Nurse Pomfrey fixed his teeth but he has a bandage wrapped around his mouth. I pointed and laughed heartily. To my surprise, Weasley hit me square in the nose, so he has three detentions now, too. All is well in the world.

No spots!

Potter and Granger keep shooting my death glares in the hallway. I must work on my own glares. I think they are starting to look weak. A Malfoy must never be weak!

**Tuesday September 11th**

I apologized to Ginny during Muggle Studies for the harsh comment I made about her chest. She seemed genuinely surprised but accepted my apologies graciously. I offered to give her the three galleons the Lunatic gave me for a closer look. Another slap. That girl would not see a great deal if it came up and bit her on the arse.

Later I felt as if I was far too kind to her. Isn't it my job to torment her and her pathetic family? I will make more of an effort to taunt her!

Three new spots! There's a large green one on the left side of my forehead. I have decided to stop gelling back my hair so it will cover up my facial deformities. Perhaps it will give me a bit of a renegade look.

**Wednesday September 12th**

Why does God hate me so? Twelve new spots! They are the bane of my exsistence. Ginny had a good hearty laugh at my expense. I suppose she is still a bit upset about yesterday. I tried to copy off of her test, but she moved it away and kicked me rather hard in the leg. It is still sore. I called her a brat and she asked if that was the best I could do. I wrinkled of my nose and spit on her paper. She growled and kicked me again.

I should have kicked that little bitch back.

The first Quidditch game of the season is on Saturday. It is against Gryffindor; I cannot wait to tromp the great Harry Potter. It will be gobs of fun!

We had double Quidditch practice today. This morning, we practiced "game faces" in the mirror for an hour. Derek said that our new approach is all about intimidation. Instead, when his back was turned I practiced my seductive looks and comehither glances. I was winking at myself when Crabbe noticed. He said that I'm probably the only person who's ever come on to himself.

What can I say? I am an original.


	2. The Failing of Draco Malfoy

Title: The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16 

Rating: PG-13

Summary: A year in the life of Draco Malfoy, caring son and worthless prat, not to mention loving brother to his parents new child.

Author: Punk up the Volume

**Thursday September 13th **

Couldn't sleep last night. Wandered the halls for a bit before I ran into Ginny. She seemed dead mad, but when I asked her about it, she told me to blow it out my hole. Honestly, some people are so ungrateful.

Returned to my bedroom. Pansy had obviously fallen asleep in my bed while waiting for my return with a rose in her mouth wearing a skimpy neglige. I slept on the couch and spent half the night freezing to death.

**Friday September 14th **

Think I figured out the reason for Ginny's poor attitude. Before first class, Millicent Bulstrode, resident gossip of the Slytherin dungeon, reported that Ginny had come upon Potty and the Mudblood in the common room closet during a very heavy session of petting.

I tried to be very polite to her during Muggle Studies, but she seemed quite resistent to my gentlemanness. She kept kicking my leg and telling me to stay on my own side of the table.

On the bright side, only three spots!

**Saturday September 15th **

Dead interesting day.

Woke up and went down to breakfast after the common room had already been cleared out. Goyle made me eat a disgusting bowl of glop called "Tasty Wheats". He said it was the breakfast of champions. It obviously didn't work though, because Slytherin lost to Gryffindor, 150 - 10. I am not bitter however because Potter took a marvelous spill off his broom.

After the game, I got into quite a shouting match with Derek. He blamed the entire loss on my, saying that if I hadn't been so distracted, we would have won. I tried to explain that I was only distracted because Pansy had been jumping up and down in the stands, waving a sign with my name in the middle of a heart. It was very disturbing.

Decided not let the night go to waste. I snuck into the Gryffindor victory party and muddled around for a bit. I was scared to eat anything; I'd heard that Fred and George Weasley had catered the party. Didn't feel much like changing into a parrot.

Went into the bathroom because I had to pee like a racehorse, when who should I come upon, but a Ginny Weasley, spilling in the last stall. I asked her if she knew she was in the boy's bathroom. She started to laugh like a maniac and told me I had pretty eyes. I couldn't believe my eyes! The ever innocent Ginny was drunk off her ass!

Of course, the humor didn't last when I had to hold back her hair as she was sick. I tried not to look, I figured it impolite. She must be a sad drunk because every so often so would start sputtering like a leaky teapot and then start bawling all over my chest.

My shirt is ruined.

**Sunday September 16 **

Received a letter from Mum. Said that her and the Lunatic were going on a retreat to the Faulkland Islands. I think they are turning into hippies. How embarressing! No new news about "IT". I counted how many months of freedom I had left before "IT" took over our lives.

No spots!

**Monday September 17th **

I am failing Muggle Studies! Professor Cornelius told me after class, quite loudly so that I'm sure everyone in the corridor could hear. Why should I be blamed if I don't know what a "mircowave" is? It's my environment at home that's the trouble! I went on, telling her that I am the under appreciated child of two very selfish people. I was hoping to get a bit of sympathy and maybe a grade raise, but she just told me to stop whining and get out of her classroom.

She has no compassion for a tortured soul. I should start writing dark poetry, I'm sure that I am just a passionate artist. Why must people insist on squashing my creative nature?

Four more spots. It must be stress.

**Tuesday September 18th **

Thanks alot, Professor Cornelius! She sent a letter home to my parents and I have received a howler back from the Lunatic, telling me that if I don't ship up then he's going to stop paying for Hogwarts and kick me out of the house.

I considered writing back and telling him that I am a tortured artist, but that most likely would not sit well with him.

Ginny's been gone the past two days. Maybe's she's sick. Now I get all the leg room I want.

**Wednesday September 19th **

I tried writing a poem today. It was about a tender soul bing trampled on by his condescending caregivers. I think it turned out quite good.

_Oh! Trampled soul! _

_Trampled mind! _

_I am repressed, repressed! _

_Oh! I must break free _

_of this opressive barrier. _

_It is not my fault _

_I am failing. _

I am a regular Robert Blake!

Ginny gone again. Perhaps she has the flu. Or the worst hangover I've ever heard of! Ha!

**Thursday September 20th **

Ginny was back today. She looks perfectly wretched. She won't look me in the eye, even when I asked to borrow a quill. Perhaps she has pink eye and is embarressed.

I am thinking about showing her my poem. Her family is poor, she must know all about opression.

**Friday September 21st **

Saw Ginny in the hallway. Was about to ask her if we had homework in Muggle Studies, but when she saw me, she gave me a frightened look and promptly ran in the other direction. Was it my spots? I need more reguvinating skin cream.

**Saturday September 22nd **

I have been sixteen for a month! Marked the occasion with chocolate. My first piece in weeks. I'm surprised I have not broken out yet.

Professor Cornelius called me into her office earlier this morning and told me that if I didn't raise my grade in the next few weeks, she would have to inform Dumbledore. I told her to go right ahead, I'm not afraid of conflict.

Two detentions.

**Sunday September 23rd **

Spotted Ginny out by the lake by herself. She looked lost and forlorn. I figured now would be a good time to talk to her about paying for the shirt she ruined with her tears and vomit. I will be happy to take payment in the form of various sexual favors. I was quite surprised upon reaching her that she was crying. She looked startled to se me and quickly wiped her eyes and asked me what the bloody hell I wanted.

No seemed like an inappropriate time to ask about the shirt. I asked if she was alright and why she had been avoiding me in the hallways.

"I've just been...embarressed." she muttered back. Embarressed, ha! I asked her why.

"You held my hair back while I was piss drunk and vomiting all over the floor, how was I supposed to face you? I'm surprised you haven't told the entire school." I had the sudden urge to say something comforting, but nothing came to mind. So instead, I wiped her cheek and asked her to read my poem.

She seemed shaken when I touched her, but agreed to read it. Luckily, I had it in my back pocket so that it might cause me inspiration at any moment. She read it over with a grimace and when she finished she told me that I have absolutely no future in writing and that my poem was so terrible she had no longing to read poetry again.

I appreciate her honesty.

**Monday September 24th **

Potions did not go to well. Had trouble sleeping last night, so I was crippled by exhaustion. Scored a 20 on my test and a 59 on my paper. Snape was quite disappointed, told me that I was slacking. I managed to crank out a few tears and convince him that my father was emotionally dead. He felt so horrible for me that he pushed the paper up to an 89! Success! He

Ginny smiled at me weakly in Muggle Studies. Felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach again. I'd better have that looked at.

**Tuesday September 25th **

Went to see Madame Pomfrey before breakfast. She said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, that it's just nerves. I spent the rest of day in bed until Professor Snape pulled me out and told me to go to class. I told him that my nerves were shot and I was in a fragile emotional state. I tried crying again, but it didn't work. He sent me up to Herbology.

We were working on the disection of a Maass plant. Ron Weasley threw a handful up dirt in my face, so I tackled him and starting beating on him until Crabbe and Goyle pulled me off. They said I was crying, but they're lying. Why would I cry when it gives me so much pleasure to hurt Weasley? Perhaps they were tears of joy? Maybe Madam Pomfrey is right. My nerves must be shot all to hell.

**Wednesday September 26th **

Well, that's it, I've been suspended. My parents were quite indignant about that fact that they had to come in for a meeting in McGonagalls' office. The Lunatic seemed especially grumpy. Perhaps he was waken from his mid-afternoon nap.

Mum's bulge was starting show. She showed it to everyone in the office and made them all touch it. Both the Weasley parents were there, along with Ron who was sporting a nice black eye.

McGonagall started off by telling Weasley and me that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Then the Lunatic muttered under his breath that it's not my fault that Ron acted so childish.

Mr. Weasley reacted by jumping out of his chair and yelling, "Who are you calling childish?"

"You and your little brat!" my father shouted back, jumping out of his chair, too.

"You no good dirty, bastard-"

That was when the first punch was thrown. I'm not sure who threw it, but before I knew it, the two of them were on the floor, rolling around, their fists flying. Mum and Mrs. Weasley tried pulling them off of eachother, but Ron and I just sat there, egging them on. Eventually, we all ended up in the hospital wing, with Madam Pomfrey patching up the both of them.

Mr. Weasley had a shiner exactly like Ron's. It was quite funny! Ha! But the Lunatic was grumbling under his breath, muttering about his bloody lip.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourselves." McGonagall said for the second time in twenty minutes. "If you two were enrolled, I would expell you on the spot! But for now, you will have to deal with your children. They are each suspended for three days."

It was quite a relief. No Muggle Studies for three days! I should have thought of this years ago!

**Thursday September 27 **

Back home with Mum and the Lunatic. He's locked my door and told me that I'm not coming out until I've got at least three hours of studying done. Three hours! What, does he think I'm a genius?

I jumped out my window and ran off to the Quidditch Pitch. I thought about running away, but then decided I really like being a rich. It was a hard decision, but I finally decided to go back to my room. I landed on the bed right as the Lunatic came in and asked me how it was going.

"Excellent. I'm learning gobs." I lied through my teeth.

"Good." he answered, smiling. "Then you can help the house elf sweep out the chimney."

Just because I've been suspended, they treat me like the help! Maybe I just will run away!

**Friday September 28th **

Day two of my slavery. I feel as if I might go insane. Today I did the dishes and swept the porch! My bones are weary from exhaustion. I shant make it another day!

**Saturday September 29th **

Finally, the last day of my imprisonment. My mother was in such a good mood she baked a cake, and it didn't turn out too bad. You could just tear off the burnt parts. The Lunatic on the other hand was dead horrible. He spent the whole day muttering about Ministry raids. He shouldn't worry so much, he's going to drive himself even more bonkers than already.

**Sunday September 30th **

Finally I am back at Hogwarts! Neglected all of my homework and spent the day wallowing in bed, trying to rest my aching bones. Pansy tried to climb in with me, I kicked her out and locked the door. Tried writing another poem, but couldn't seem to think of anything worth while.

It seems in my absence that Crabbe has got himself a girlfriend. She's a fifth year Hufflepuff named Raven and she only wears black. She talks in limericks and is dead depressing. I think she is a beatnik. She frightens me to my very core.

**Monday October 1st **

Tried to play sick, but Snape wasn't buying it. He dragged me right out of my bed into the commons. I was still in my jammies for goodness sake!

Muggle Studies went excellently bad. I told Professor Cornelius that my father tore up my assignment in a fit of rage but she told me that I had four detentions and had better get my grade up or she would talk to Dumbldore about expulsion.

Ha! Expell me? She wishes!

**Tuesday October 2nd **

I am going to be expelled! That is, unless I find myself a tutor. They can't force me to learn, I have rights!

Perhaps I'll ask Ginny to tutor me. She smells like pinapple and cream. Even though I am allergic to pinapple, it is still a very appealing fragrance. Perhaps she will have time between her snogging sessions with Seamus Finnigan to help me a bit.

**Wednesday October 3rd **

Ginny has agreed to tutor me so long as I stay on my own side of the table from now on. I explained that I have long legs and they must be stretched, but she just glared at me so I agreed. We start tomorrow night in the library. I'm not sure where it is, I've never been.

Crabbe is starting to change. Yesterday he told me that my laugh is annoying. Ha! Ha! He doesn't know what he's talking about. Further more, he's started wearing a stupid baret and snapping his fingers when he talks. This is not normal.

**Thursday October 4th **

Now he has gone to far! Crabbe has started wearing all black. I informed him that black and green are my signature colors and therefore off limits to him. He just grunted and told me to stop being a prat.

Why does everyone keep calling me a prat? I am not a prat! I am merely flamboyant!

Besides, the black really clashes with his complexion. Honestly, doesn't he take any pride in his appearance?

Ginny postponed our first tutoring meeting. She said she had some things to clear up. Later I saw Seamus Finnigan walking down the corridor, crying. I felt a jolt in my stomach and it didn't feel to bad. Is this what they call happiness?

**Friday October 5th **

Met with Ginny in the library. I sat a mere two inches away from her and was quite scared by the feelings brewing in my stomach. This is not natural! I could die! I heard most of what she said, but a few times my eyes glazed over and I just stared. My eyes must have wandered downward a bit because out of the blue, she hit me. It hurts still.

**Saturday October 6th **

I asked Goyle what he thoughts the feelings in my stomach might be. He thought perhaps an ulcer. I asked if those were fatal. He said probably!

I am lying on my deathbed! I am thinking of Ginny!

Wait, why am I thinking of Ginny!

Those wretched feeling are back!

**Monday October 7th **

Went up to the infirmary, but Madame Pomfrey refused to see me! She said that she was sick of me taking up her time and space and that I was just being paranoid. I told her that if I died it would be on her head and then ran back to the common room so I could sneak back to bed before Snape found me.

I was unsuccessful.

**Tuesday October 8th **

I am clever. I hid under my bed this morning and skipped classes. Snape didn't even notice I was gone, the ugly git.

Received letter from Mum. They said that they're thinking about naming "IT" Oliver. I think it's a wretched name. It can't stand up to the valor of "Draconis". Obviously, they can only go downhill from perfect.

**Wednesday October 9th **

Saw Ginny in the dining hall, making a scene with Dean Thomas. That girl gets around more than I do! I rushed away before I could have any of those horrible "feelings". They only confuse me.

Couldn't concentrate on Muggle Studies. Went to bed with a horrible headache. Woke up on a table in the dining hall. Curious.

**Thursday October 10th **

Decided that Goyle is not the best to ask for medical advice. Consulted Crabbe on the matter. He said it was probably love. Love? Outrageous! I told him he had gone nutters, but he only smirked and went to a poetry reading in the Hufflepuff common room with Raven.

She is changing him. Right before my very eyes.

**Friday October 11th **

Love? Preposterous!

**Saturday October 12th **

What if he's right? What will I do? Is it contagious? Will it harm me? I am so confused. I hate love!

**Sunday October 13th **

Saw Ginny out by the Quidditch Pitch, holding hands with Dean Thomas. More feelings. I promptly ran away and hid under my blankets. I hate Crabbe! I hate Ginny! I hate Dean Thomas! I hate love!

**Monday October 14th **

Okay, I'm pretty sure I don't hate Ginny. She smelled like peaches and cream today. I asked her to help me study Wednesday. She agreed without much resistence!

I was humming today. I didn't think I knew how to hum.

**Tuesday October 15th **

What have I gotten myself into!

**Tuesday October 16th **

Met with Ginny in the library. Tried to concentrate. She was being dead serious. Didn't hear a damn word. Crabbe is a crackpot. It can't be...

**Wednesday October 17th **

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am in love with Ginevra Weasley! A Weasley! I am a disgrace!


	3. The Suffering of Draco Malfoy

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. J.K. Rowling owns "Harry Potter". I only own the plot.

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Summary:** A year in the life of Draco Malfoy, age 16, told through his diary. His trials, his tribulations, the funny feeling he gets in his stomach when he sees a certain Weasley. Is it an ulcer? Perhaps love? How will he deal with this, not to mention his parents new love child?

**Rating:** PG-13 for language and thematic events, i.e. Drunk!Harry and Slutty!Blaise.

**Author:** Punk up the Volume

**A/N:** YAY! Updated! Sorry about the wait. First I had finals, which sucked, though I did well. Then, I wrote this whole chapter twice before and my computer deleted it. Through many trials and tribulations, I managed to upload. Please, review, it means a lot to me. Thanks also to all of my reviewers so far:

**carameLisSa:** Thanks, the whole name thing came as a shock to me as well.

**Vanyaria Darkshadow:** Thanks for another brilliant review! Glad you like it.

**Lisa:** I know, I know, I am a pioneer in the usage of her real name. I will be in history books one day. LOL.

**Pherhyandoiel:** Yes, yes, these authors really ARE crazy, aren't they?

**HealerAriel:** Yes, Draco breaks my heart as well. He is such a prat.

**Khepri:** I like Blaise too. I've been trying to put her/him in more of my stories lately. Boy!Blaise makes a chapter long appearence in one of my other stories, "Little Children".

**SlytherinWarrior13:** Thanks for the compliment!

**Mizuhi Sakura:** Yes, I am a dork. It took you this long to notice?

**Galenahaiel:** Thanks. Don't worry, Draco's creative poems make a drastic return.

**stefengirl:** Randomness is my middle name! Thanks for the compliments!

**Luna Gypsy:** Thanks, I think Draco acts like a complete jerk. I like him like that.

**HerRoyalInsaneness:** I can't wait for more either!

**Flamyrre:** Thanks, I try to write well. Some advice? Try to reinvent characters. I've seen Draco as a jerk before, but not so...feminine. Yes, that's the word, feminine. If I think of any other advice, I'll report it.

**Chaney:** Yes, he really is confused. Artistic too. I like Crabbe as a beatnik. I think it suits him.

**Friday October 18th  
**  
Tried to write another poem today, but the inspiration just would not come. Perhaps I need something inspire me? A torrid love affair maybe? Perhaps I should give Blaise a ring. She would definately help me out in that department.

Saw Ginny with Dean Thomas again. It's disgusting the way she acts. I don't need her. She would just ruin my reputation.

**Saturday October 19th  
**  
Tried to drown my sorry by having a wonderful snog with Blaise. It didn't do much for my mood though. She got lipstick all over my teeth. They no longer shine like stars in the milky way.

**Sunday October 20th**

Quidditch game next Saturday. It's our match against Ravenclaw. Should be easy. After all, we beat Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw is just a rung above them! Ha! Ha!

**Monday October 21st  
**  
This is horrible! Wretched! Unthinkable! My father has made a mockery of our family! I think I am going to faint!

**Tuesday October 22nd**

I am bit more calmed down this morning, but still in shock and sick to my stomach. Snape excused me from all my classes because family is having a crisis. I can't believe the nerve of my father, having a mental breakdown, right in the middle of a pub! Honestly, he could at least have the decency to do it in the privacy of our own home.

I don't know much, but apparently from what I hear, father was at the Leaky Cauldron with some of his...uh..."associates". Then some wizard reading the Daily Profit made an announcement that at least thirty of Voldemort's followers had been arrested during some sort of innitiation and had all been arrested. That's when the Lunatic went crazy and started flipping tables and breaking glasses! They called in the crew from St. Mungos and carted him off to be "evaluated".

Honestly! I suspect he'll be away for quite awhile. Finally somebody beside me realizes what a lunatic he really is. I only wish the papers hadn't made such a bloody big deal about it! I am sure to be the laughing stock of the school!

**Wednesday October 23nd  
**  
Lucked out on missing another day. Told Snape I was having horrible chest pains and couldn't breathe anytime I heard the words "father" or "crazy". Silly sod believed me! Ha! Ha!

Next time I see the Lunatic, I really must thank him. He's gotten me out of Muggle Studies two days in a row.

**Thursday October 24th**

Regretably, I had to make my return to classes today and it was less than a joyous occasion. Everyime I passed the famous Harry Potter during Potions and Herbology, he keptasking "Do the crazies run in your family?" and smirking at me. I merely smiled and "accidentally" dropped a bottle full of noxious smell liquid onto his shoe.

Recieved an owl from Mum. She is distraught that she is nearly five months pregnant and has had her husband torn away from her. Who will hold her hair back when she has morning sickness? Even though I am very happy that the Lunatic is finally get the pyschiatric attention he needs, my mother's state of near abandonment is quite heartbreaking. Imagine a story like that in one of those trashy tabloid magazines! It could bring a tear to your eye!

**Friday October 25th  
**  
Oh, what rotten luck! Dumbledore has just announced a Halloween ball! Honestly, where am I going to find a date with six days notice? There's Pansy of course, but at the Yule Ball fourth year, she wouldn't let go of my wrist all night. I had to knock her into the punch bowl to get her off of me. Blaise is out of the question. She's decided to take Terry Boot. What am I going to do?

I now know what it is like to be desperate.

**Saturday October 26th**

Why has no girl attempted to ask me to the Halloween ball yet? Are they intimidated by my good looks? My stunningly white teeth? My flawless...well, almost flawless skin? Perhaps my charm and wit? My boyish sense of humor? The possibilities are endless! Hopefully one of them will become a bit less shy and ask me to the ball!

Are they waiting for me to make the first move?

**Sunday October 27th**

Still no luck! I cannot go with Pansy, I refuse! She is disgusting and gross. Why yesterday, I saw her picking her teeth in the middle of the dining hall and look ata piece ofcabbage she foundlonger than necessary. She will hang all over me all night. It would be a miserable experience. Perhaps Millicent Bulstrode can be convinced to come with me.

I will make the first move. I will have to.

**Monday October 28th  
**  
I am lying in bed, nursing a horribly bruised groin area. I may never recover!

Later: Damn that Millicent Bulstrode! This is all her fault! Why did I have to ask her to go to the ball with me? Why did I have to make the first move? Now I will never recover in time for the ball.

All I did was go up to Millicent, ask her if she wanted to go to the ball with me, and stuck my hand up her shirt a bit. Goyle told me she liked that sort of thing! I certainly don't think that it constitutes a kick to the groin. Damn Millicent and her strong legs.

Much Later: Snape came in a bit ago to tell me to put an icepack on "it" and stop whining. I complained that it was a serious injury and should be looked at by a professional. He just sort of chuckled and said he would take a look at it. I jumped out of bed and ran to class. What a fucking weirdo!

**Tuesday October 29th**

I must be desperate! Today I considered asking Ginny Weasley to the ball! I must be going insane. Think of my reputation! Think of the hordes of girls waiting until the last minute to ask me! It was a stupid idea.

Later: Saw Ginny in the potions classroom snogging her brains out with Justin Finch-Fletchly. Honestly, that girl must change boyfriends every other week! Well, who needs her? Who needs a little tramp? Who needs Ginny? Who needs love? Who needs all that agravation?

Even Later: I do! My Ginny! Oh, my Ginny, I need you!

Midnight: Inspiration has struck me in the dead of night. I have written a genius poem about my love for Ginny. It is inspired, truly magical. It is entitled "My Ginny".

My Ginny

Oh, my Ginny!  
My Ginny!  
When I see you  
I get this feeling in my stomach  
Like I am going to throw up  
Or something like that.  
Crabbe said it was love.  
I thought it was an ulcer  
Or maybe acid reflux.  
I hope it's love because  
I heard acid reflux is really bad for you.  
So I think I love you  
Even though you act a little  
slutty sometimes.  
My Ginny!  
Oh, my Ginny!

It is a masterpiece! Maybe one day I will have a whole book filled with my poems. One can only hope. Perhaps I will give Ginny the poem. She would love it. Who wouldn't?

**Wednesday October 30th**

Dead horrible day. Can't believe I made it all the way through.

First off, I barely made it to Muggle Studies. I was so excited to give Ginny her poem that I could barely contain myself. Halfway through the period, I poked in the side and slipped the paper into her hand. She kind of smiled when I touched her hand and then stared at the writing for about ten seconds before the smile evaporated and her lip started to wobble a bit.

"You want to throw up when you see me?" she questioned, her voice becoming a bit squeaky.

"Well, no...I mean, well, that's not what I meant!"

"I know what you meant!" she screamed, ripping up the paper and throwing the scraps in my face. "I know exactly what you meant you philistine! You cretin! You...cheesehead!"

Well, then the whole bloody class turned to look at the debacle as Ginny ran out of the classroom, yelling obscenities at me. Then Ms. Cornelius started yelling her head off me, screaming, "What did you do to her Malfoy!"

I tried to explain that I didn't do anything but express my love, but I could barely get a sentence out before she yelled, "McGonagall's!"

"What?"

"McGonagall's! Now! Right now!"

So I trudged up to the old bat's office and had to sit there for an hour trying to explain that I had in no way, shape, or form hurt Ginny, nor had I purposely emotionally scarred her. McGonagall wasn't buying that all I had done was give her a poem. So she made me go through what had happened fourteen times, including the mean names Ginny had yelled at me, and she also made me recite the poem. It was dead embarressing. Especially when she started sniggering around the end. What would she know about love? Probably hasn't even been in love since the crusades.

Ha!

So then she asked why exactly Ginny Weasley was in the third floor girl's bathroom, crying her eyes out. I told her that it was probably because the second floor bathroom was full. Ha! McGonagall didn't find it funny and told me to go back to the Slytherin common room and think about what I had done. It was better than going to the end of Potions class in my opinion.

Decided to stop by the girl's bathroom on my way back down to the common room to see if Ginny was indeed in there. I walked in and the only other person in there was a pair of legs poking out from underneath the middle stall. Sobs were coming from the same direction, so I figured it had to be Ginny.

"Ginny?" I asked. "Are you okay?"

The sobbing stopped. "Draco? Is that you?" Sniffle. Sniffle.

"Yeah," I answered, unsure of what else to say.

"I'm so glad you're here! Come over here!" Her voice was chipper. Perhaps she has bipolar disorder. I think that's what my mum has.

So I waltzed over to the stall checked my hair in the mirror, just to make sure I looked dashing. That's when she pulled the stall door open and started assaulting me with about ten rolls of toilet paper.

"You stupid, stupid prat!" she yelled, pummeling my chest with her little fists. "Get the bloody hell out of here!"

So I ran out and didn't look back.

Then, that night at dinner, I got a tearstained letter from Mum. She complained and complained for four paragraphs about how bad she's got it. How her husband is being imprisoned in a looney bin when she's about to give birth. How dramatic! She still has four months left to go! Honestly she has three house elves to fufill her every wish. If only I was so lucky. I have professors out to get me and a girl who glares at me everytime I see her in the hallway.

Not only that, Mum seemed most upset that the baby seems to be a boy. I could see that. I mean, she already has one perfect, darling boy. You can only go downhill from perfection, right?

What am I going to do about the ball tommorrow? I don't have a date! I shall become a social outcast. It is a lowly fate.

Love just isn't worth it.

**Thursday October 31st**

Morning: I don't think I will be able to get up. The shame is far too great; it is weighing me down so that I cannot move.

Mid-morning: Snape barged in demanded that I stop wallowing in my own filth and get to class. That man is awfully pushy. Oh, well. I suppose I might as well see my loyal friends once more before I become one of the most pitious of creatures: an unpopular person.

My only comfort is the thought of no classes tomorrow. Dumbledore has given us the day off due to the ball. I will crawl into bed after the last class of the day and not come out until Monday morning. If I am brave enough to come out at all.

Afternoon: My life is unruined! Praise the Lord! Today at lunch, Blaise had a horrible row with Terry Boot and threw her Pumpkin Juice all over him. Then she ran out of the Great Hall, crying. I followed her down to the common room and asked her if she wanted to go to the ball with me. She agreed and then sobbed into my chest for twenty minutes. Honestly, there must be something in the water lately. All these girls sobbing all over the place. For cripes sake!

3:00 a.m.: I cannot sleep! My head is in a whirl! The events of the night keep racing through my mind! I must record them for posterity. One day I might become an old fogey and forget all that has happened.

Theballwas going very nicely at first, even though Blaise looked a fright. He hair was all tousledand her eyes were red and puffy. I was slightly ashamed to be seen with her,but it wasbetter than being alone. Well, it _was_ better than being aloneuntilBlaise saw Terry Boot make his entrance with Ginny Weasley! Her head practically exploded! Justin Finch-Fletchly didn't seem too happy either. He was gripping his cup so hard that the punch spilled out. Blaise pulled me onto the dance floor and made me dance until some Hufflepuff knocked me into the punch table and I got a charlie horse. It was dead painful. I stood by while she disapeared into the crowd.

Went to the bathroom and came back to see that Blaise and Terry Boot had reunited under the punch table and were snogging their brains out. I was dead embaressed and decided not to say anything. So I stood by myself for a few minutes, watching out for Pansy to make sure that she did not try to get me to dance.

Then, I saw poor Ginny Weasley, also abandoned by her date, standing on the opposite wall, being stalked by Harry Potter. When she moved, he moved. When someone asked her to dance, he would push them away. Obviously, Potter had had a few too many drinks from the punch bowl. It was when he grabbed Ginny's arm and pulled her so hard she was rammed into the wall with a grimace that I felt my legs start to move. He was all over her, his face next to hers, laughing for no reason at all.

"Dance with me." I yelled above the music as I grabbed Ginny's hand and pulled her towards the crowd. She hadn't seen me and looked surprised, yet grateful. But then she remembered yesterday and the smile turned to a frown, yet she didn't resist.

"Now, 'old on der, Maaaalfoy." Potter slurred, jerking his hand around like he was ready to fight. He was spilling his cup all over the floor but didn't seem to care. "Ginny ain't not going nowhere wit you."

Ginny gave me an embarressed look, slipped out of my grasp and put herhands tenderly on Harry's shoulders. "Now, Harry, listen to me. Listen carefully. I'm going with Draco now. I'll be back. Sober up a bit, eh?"

"Right, ok." Harry nodded and saluted, grinning like an idiot. Ginny nodded in return and then took my hand again. I could tell she was still furious with me, but she seemed to be relieved that she was't with Harry anymore. I didn't really care. The only thing I could focus on was her hands on my shoulders as a slow song started to play. The rest of my upper body had gone numb.

At the beginning of the ball, a truly horrid punk band had been playing. It had been composed of two Ravenclaws and Gryffindor with ripped up clothes and words you couldn't really make out. The had made it through the first set alright, but then they started a song called, "Fuck the Fucking World You Fucker". Snape and Hagrid had to drag them off stage before a riot broke out. Snape had dug up a muggle stereo and had magnified the sound.

Ginny frowned as the song started to end. "Thankyou." she yelled over the roar of the crowd.

"For what?" I questioned.

"For...helping me out. With Harry, I mean. He's just been so...well, lately. Nevermind. It's not important."

Jesus, when did I become the good guy? Why couldn't I just stay at my previous position of smoldering hot bad boy and resident sex good. Being the good is hardly as good.

"You should have read the whole poem." I commented after a minute of silence.

"What?" The frown deepened.

"You should have finished reading my poem. Remember? Yesterday? You called me a philistine and a cheesehead and threw it in my face?"

"Oh." Ginny smiled. "That poem."

"You should have finished it." I said once again.

"Why?" she snarled. "I pretty much got the message from the first three lines."

"It got better," I shrugged. "A lot better. I'm pretty sure it's not an ulcer."

"What is it about me that makes you feel sick to your stomach when you see me?"

"It's...um..."

I'm not sure whether what happened next was a good thing or a bad thing. After all, it did save me from having to answer that question, but at an embarressing price. "DRACO!" Pansy yelled from the spot on the stage she had crawled to. Her dress what torn, her robes disheveled, and her eyes bloodshot. Obviously, she had been having a good ol' time with Potter at the refreshment table.

"DRACO!" she called again as the crowd started to die down and they turned to look at her. "DRACO! Where are you! I love you, Draco. You are my one true love! And...I wanna sing you a song. I wrote it just for you, Draco!"

"Oh, Jesus." I muttered as she started singing at the top of her lungs. Luckily, Hagrid had managed to grab her round the waist and haul her off the stage toward the exit. "I love you Draco!" she called as they disappeared out the door. The next shout heard was Snape's from the other side of the room. He was holding the punch bowl in the air and looked dead mad.

"Whoever has tampered with the drinks will be severely punished! Mark my words! Severely punished!"

Slowly but surely, the crowd started to regain it's livliness and the music started up again.

It was Ginny who started to laugh first. "I'm...sorry..." she muttered through her giggles.

"It's okay." I started to shake my head, feeling a laugh rising in my throat. Soon, we were both standing in the middle of the dance floor, laughing our heads off. People around us started to give us funny looks and moved away.

"It's really not funny." she said after a moment, still giggling. "But..."

Then I kissed her.


	4. The Beating of Draco Malfoy

**Disclaimer:** As much as this might come as shock to all of you, the following statement is true: I do not own Harry Potter. Never will. Unless...

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Summary**: Poor Draco Malfoy. First his mother gets herself pregnant at the ungodly age of 35, then his father is carted away to St. Mungo's. Now, he's in love with a Weasley? Read all about Draco's trials and tribulations in his year long diary, filled with his deepest desires and ponderings. Well, probably not _that _deep...

**Rating**: PG-13 for Ginny's violence and Harry's drunkness

**Author**: Punk up the Volume

**A/N**: It is the pivotal fourth chapter in my life-changing series. Actually, it's not really so much pivotal as it is interesting. Sort of like a train wreck. Sorry about the long wait, I've been really swamped.

**Vanyaria Darkshadow, red-ruby-slippers, ylime-fles, Healer Ariel, siryn, Chaney, laura, eresteizulim, emvee, mizuhi sakura, snapes kid, mellabee, Flamyrre, Galenahaiel, Dorothy Star, and Mellabee again!**

* * *

**Thursday October 31st**

Then I kissed her.

I was trying to be dead romantic like in those muggle movies we've been watching in Muggle Studies for the past few days, but it didn't seem to work. I counted how long we stood there, kissing, and it was only five seconds before she broke away. Dead disappointing. Hardly a record!

Suddenly, there was an immense and horrible pain inbetween my legs.

"What the fuck was that for?" I rasped as I fell to the ground and people turnedand stared.

Ginny merely stared down at me with wide eyes and seemed to be pondering it. Sure, take all the time you want to think about why you just immobilized my...well, you know, I thought. "I dunno." She shrugged after a moment, wiping non-exsistent sweat from her brow. "It was sort of...reflex, I guess."

"Reflex," I said, jumping up. "Reflex. Sure didn't didn't seem to be using that reflex when Finnigan was sticking his hand up your shirt a few weeks ago." I waited for the immense pain to strike me in my groin again, but it didn't. I stared at Ginny, and she didn't seem mad at all. Rather she seemed sad. I could tell because of the tears flooding down her cheeks, smearing her mascara.

Usually, this would have grossed me out horribly. I could never stand it whenever Pansy cried about me being a horrible, horrible person and her layers of painted on gunk would start running down her face. She looked like a clown at the circus! But when I saw the black running down Ginny's cheeks, it wasn't gross. It was kind of cute. In a 1970's punk kind of way.

"I...I'm sorry," I muttered, clutching her hand, but she pulled away.

"No," she sniffed, plastering on a fake smile. "You're right. You're right."

Then she turned and started walking back into the crowd and...I didn't stop her. Partly I was sick of emotions, but mostly because there was still a tingling pain down in my giblets.

Either way, I was completely exhausted and wanted to go to bed. So I made my way through the crowd and out the door towards the Slytherin common room when someone hit me square on the back of the head! I fell forward and landed on my knees. Turning around, a very drunk Harry Potter was standing before me, with his hands up in a ju jitsu stance. For all I knew, he might have even known ju jitsu, but it didn't really matter. He was so smashed he could barely stand up straight! Ha! Ha!

"I'm going to bed, Potter. And you can't come with me," I said tritely with a smirk and started back towards my destination. But that bloody pompous git knocked me in the back of the head again! This time, I did not stumble in the least. I merely turned around with a frown.

"This is getting really old." I muttered. I was dead proud of myself for not pummeling him right there on the spot, but alas, my serenity was not meant to last!

"Alllllright, Maaalfoy." Potter slurred, spitting as he talked. "This is it. You," he pointed towards me, "Made Ginny," he then proceeded to point towards Ginny, who was running towards us at an amazing speed, "Cry. And you're nooot gonna...gonna get away with iiiit."

"Harry!" she cried as he stumbled forward. "What are you doing?"

"What? Are you his nanny?" I sneered in her direction unintentionally. "Let him do what he came to do."

"Gladly," Potter muttered, trying to crack his knuckles. Instead, he missed and ended up hitting himself in the arm. "Ouch." He whispered, lurching forward. Trying to look a bit cocky, I looked at my watch and sighed. Unfortunately, I left myself open to attacks andwas hit rather hard in the nose. I could feel the bone practically crack in half ! I was in agonizing...agony, but I didn't let it show in my face. Instead, as blood poured out of my nose, I blocked a punch from Harry and landed one of my own in his gut.

With a resounding "Oomph.", Potter fell to the feet of Old McGonagall, who had a look on her face as if she was about to explode.

"'Ello, Professor." Potter greeted cheerily with a slight giggle as he tipped a non-exsistent hat. "Lovely evening, eh?"

"Malfoy," she said in a voice that made my skin crawl.

"Yes, ma'am?" I questioned hopefully, not making any move to clean up the blood still dripping out of my most likely broken nose.

"Did I or did I not warn you about fighting? Did I not tell you that the next fight you were involved in would lead to your expulsion."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Wait, Professor McGonagall," Ginny piped up, letting go of Harry's arm and dropping him to the floor. "It wasn't Draco's fault. He was just defending himself. Harry attacked him; he's smashed out of his mind."

"I am not." Harry countered, swaggering to his right and then dropping down to the floor.

"I see." McGonagall, the old bat, replied, looking me up and down. "Yes, it does seem that Mr. Malfoy took the most injuries."

I wanted to be offended by the comment, but I couldn't be. I suppose I was getting of easy.

"Ms. Weasley," she went on. "Can you attest to the fact that Mr. Potter started the conflict?"

Ginny nodded, clinging onto Harry and trying to bring him to his feet.

The Old Bat sighed. "Very well. Ms. Weasley, would you please escort Mr. Malfoy to the hospital wing so that Madam Pomfrey can have a look at his nose."

Ginny nodded and dropped againHarry without skipping a beat. As McGonagall reprimanded Potter, who wouldn't remember anything the next morning, her voice seemed to drift away and we entered the dark corridor up towards the hospital wing.

"You didn't have to do that." I muttered, nonchalantly.

"Do what?" Ginny questioned uninterestedly as she methodically ripped a piece of her robe and held it out to me. "Put it on your nose." She prompted.

I took it and did what I was told. A minute of silence passed and then Ginny spoke.

"I did have to do it."

"Huh?" Obviously the blood loss was making me a bit fuzzy.

"Defend you. It wasn't right for Harry to do what he did and for you to get expelled because of it. It's not fair."

"I don't really know a lot about fair lately." I muttered.

"What do you mean."

I sighed. I hadn't told a soul about Mum's condition. Was I willing to tell Ginny, who would probably just laugh in my face?

"My Mum's pregant," I answered solemnly, waiting for her to laugh.

"Congratulations," Ginny answered with a grin.

"It's not a good thing." I replied. "It's horrible! They're going to love him more than me. I bet my father will teach him how to ride a bicycle and catch a football. Once he gets out of St. Mungo's, of course."

"Obviously, Muggle Studies is going to your heard," she giggled.

Maybe she was right.

We walked in silence until we reached the hospital wing. Ginny deposited me off to Nurse Pomfrey then gave an uncomfortable wave and started back off towards the ball. I sighed at my bad luck and sat up on a bed while Pomfrey checked my nose.

"It's not broken," she muttered. "Merely fractured."

Merely? Merely! My pain is certainly a bit more than "merely" intense! It is like I have been run over with a thousand trains and then left to die in the hot sun while vultures peck out my eyes and worms crawl in and out of my ears! Merely! Ha!

Pomfrey tisked under her breath as she poured a bit of liquid from the bottle she was holding onto a bandage and wrapped it onto my nose. I grimaced as hard as I could even though the pain was gone and my nose had gone numb.

Pomfrey tisked again. "Stop being such a drama queen."

Did she just call me a queen? Outrageous!

"There you go," she answered with a sigh. "Hop on down and head to bed. I don't want you going back down to the ball. One hit to the fracture, accidental or not, might cause it to not heal. There's a good boy."

As I hopped off the bed, muttering about the severe pain and mental humiliation I had suffered at her hands, she pulled a lollipop out of her pocket and handed it to me. "There you go. For being such a big boy and not crying."

I did not need her sarcasm or charity, but I took it anyway and sucked on it as I made my way to the Slytherin common room. As I passed by the ball, I could see Snape on stage, shouting that the culprits of the punch debacle would be found out and dealt with properly.

And so that's where I am now. Lying in my bed, cramping up my hand as I write all about tonight and how utterly confused I am.

**Friday November 1st  
**  
_Morning:_ It's All Saint's Day. The Slytherins are talking about having a bonfire at midnight after all of the teachers have gone to bed. I don't know if I'll go. I am really in no mood for a party. My nose had healed marvelously thanks to that sarcastic Madam Pomfrey. Bless her wicked soul.

_Afternoon:_ Saw Crabbe and his little girlfriend, Raven, snogging their brains out on the couch. Whoever would want to snog with Crabbe? Disgusting!

Crabbe has decided to start talking in weird verses. He said they're haiku's, whatever the hell that means. What has happened to my best friend? When will the madness end? He is changing right before my eyes.

_Early Evening_: Apparently this whole bonfire notion has gotten way out of hand. Some of the Slytherins have started inviting people from the other houses, who have invited all of their friends. Everyone has already started sneaking food from the kitchens and making plans for tonight. I still don't think I'll go. Perhaps I'll have a party of my own in my room. Only two people are invited: Myself and a bottle of my father's fire whiskey that I snitched off his shelf before the end of summer.

_3 am:_ I did not think that anything could rival the eventfulness of last night. But I was wrong. I was ever so wrong!

First off, I did decide to go to the bonfire, if only to show people that I am still the young and hip cat that I once was (Crabbe's words, not mine). The place was mess! We had all agreed to meet on the far end of the lake where we would have enough time to scatter in case of the teachers emerged.

It looked as if every student had showed up! Some of the seventh years Slytherins looked dead mad that their party had been intruded upon by lower beings, but they got over it once the actual bonfire started. There was dancing and drinking and eating everywhere. There was music coming from somewhere. Everyone was having a smashing time except for me. All I longed for was my bed and a date with Mr. Fire Whiskey.

"Hey," Ginny shouted above the roar of the crowd as she snuck up on me and poked me in the shoulder.

"Hey," I replied, smiling, then deciding not to. I scowled instead. Blaise told me I look handsome when I pout.

"Your nose looks great," She grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. With a sigh, I rose and looked down at her, trying to hide my relief that I didn't have to sit alone anymore.

"Thanks. For...ratting out Potter and everything."

"No problem," she giggled, pulling me away from the crowd, down to the practically empty side of the lake where the giant octupus had swam, trying to get away from the roaring noise.

"Where is he anyway?" I questioned. Now that we were away from the crowd, I could actually talk in a normal tone.

"Who?" Honestly, sometimes Ginny could be so daft.

"Potter."

"Oh," She replief solemnly. "He said he didn't want to run the chance of getting expelled. But actually, he's got the worst hangover I've ever seen."

"So, Muggle Studies, huh?" I said after a moment.

"Is that your weak attempt at starting a meaningful conversation," Ginny chided, trying to not laugh.

"No, it's just that, well, you're smart. And I, you know, I could really use some help in that class."

"I think you need a little more than 'some help'," She laughed again. I like making her laugh. "I saw your last test. I didn't know scores went into the negatives."

"Think maybe you could help me out. Let's say...Sunday."

Ginny frowned. "But Sunday is Hogsmeade." Like I said, sometimes she is so daft.

"I know," I answered, continuing to walk. "Maybe we could review for the upcoming test at The Three Broomsticks. In the back booth. With some butterbeers."

A light shone in Ginny's face that I have never seen before. "Draco, I would love to go on a date with you on Sunday."

"But we're just studying."

"Draco," Ginny repeated. "I would love to go on a date with you."

And then she kissed me.

Thirty seconds. Definitely a record.

"What was that for?" I questioned.

She smiled. "Reflex."


	5. The First Date of Draco Malfoy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, for reasons unknown to me. Apparently she wrote it or something like that. Bah! 

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Summary:** What's next for Draco Malfoy? His mum is pregnant at the ungodly age of 35, his father's been carted away to the loony bin, and he's losing the closest thing he's had to a bestfriend to a beatnik gothic Ravenclaw. Not to mention the fact that he can't stop thinking about a certain Weasley's legs...no, it's not Ron.

**Rating:** PG-13 for language and a butterbeer bottle to the head.

**Author:** Punk up the Volume

**Author's Note:** Sorry about the long wait. Numerous things have happened in the last two weeks, so I didn't really have a lot of time to write. I did have a garage sale in which I made eleven dollars! What a brilliant waste of time! I did however see "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" with my earnings and it was very funny. All of you should check it out, it's great. Well, that's all from me. Thanks to my reviewers, you guys are great:

**Krystal1989, HealerAriel, Dorthey Star, Mizuhi Sakura, emvee, akuweaselgirl, Vanyaria Darkshadow, snapes kid, HPROXMYSOX, Novalee Sims, Lindsey, Mellabee, ako-si-feeYoWnah, meheeners, Inuevans, and lavender baby**

**Saturday November 2nd**

Urg. There is absolutely nothing in my wardrobe even remotely worthy of a date like this. Perhaps if Crabbe was about thirty sizes smaller I could borrow some of his updated clothes. They slightly resemble mine. I must talk to him about this. What will happen to my signature wardrobe colors?

Got a letter from mum, telling me that she needs me home next week. Apparently, they've cleared the Lunatic to be released from his captivity and she wants me to be at the manor to welcome him back to sanity. I'd rather not; he might be a bit grouchy after a few weeks of being tested for every psychopathic disease ever heard of. Who knows what chores he might assign me? He might have gone round the bend completely for all mum and I know! How do I know he won't butcher us in our sleep? And mum with child and all!

On the other hand, I do get to miss three days of classes. The Lunatic's insanity is the gift that keeps on giving!

**Sunday November 3rd**

_Morning:_ Spent three hours working on missed homework. Mainly because I couldn't think about this afternoon without a retching feeling in my stomach. What could I possibly say to her? What could I POSSIBLY SAY!

_Afternoon:_ Goyle and that Raven girl wanted to know if I wanted to paint mugs with them and some Hufflepuffs in the Ravenclaw common room. I told them to piss off; I think that my...uh, er, outing with Ginny is a bit more important than painting china with some sissy poetry writers.

Snuck a couple of Valium out of Snape's medicine cabinent while Crabbe distracted him. He told him that Terry Boot sexually harrassed him. Snape wanted to know how, when, and where. He also asked if it felt nice. Again, what a fucking weirdo! Also peeked inside of his bathroom cabinent. He has twenty six bottle's of hair gel. It's not as if it is a good look for him either. Some people do just not know when enough is enough. Goodness.

Valium helped me calm down. I am not clawing at my arms, wondering what I will say to Ginny anymore. Although, peculiar enough, Crabbe has started walking in slow motion and it seems that the Slytherin common room has been painted purple in my absence. Perhaps that wasn't Valium after all...

I only have one hour to find something to wear! How formal is too formal? For some reason Mum snuck a pinstripped suit into my suticase when she packed me up for Hogwarts. It is two sizes to large and smells of death. The Lunatic must have worn it to his lost party.

_Night:_ It did not go how I thought it was going to go. It went far worse.

First of all, I decided againt the pinstipped suit. It was a bit too Capone- ish for me and no matter how much of Pansy's Chenelle I dumped on it, the smell of rotting flesh would not go away. Bugger.

I ended up wearing jeans, but balanced it out with a bowler hat and cigar so I would look a bit posh and sophisticated. I was sure that Ginny would appreciate the extra additions, but apparently she did not. When I met her in the booth at The Three Broomsticks, she wrinkled up her nose and asked why I had a carnation in my pocket. I told her that I thought it was delicate and beautiful. She just wrinkled up her nose some more.

Then, unfortunately, I pulled out my Muggle Studies text.

"What is that?" she questioned with a frown.

"My book," I answered, wondering if she had snuck into Snape's private collection as well. "I thought we might get a bit of studying in."

"But...but..."

"Hmmm," I answered absentmindedly, flipping to page 187. We have a quiz tomorrow and there is no way I am going to fail! Again.

"But, I thought you...asked me out."

"Well," I shrugged. "Sure. But there's that really important test coming up and-"

Ginny's face completely screwed up into a mask of anger and horror. I became frightened and wanted to hide in the corner. Why did she always have to scrunch up her face to show an emotion? It is not attractive. It is unnerving and will no doubt give her frown lines and crows feet. Some people just don't take enough pride in their appearences.

"Fine!" she announced, grabbing at her purse. "If you want to study, do it alone. I came here, hoping that maybe you..."

I had the feeling that she was going to start crying again. She is always crying! I think she needs some of those hormone replacement pills or some of that depression medicine. Anything to make her stop crying all the time!

"...felt something. But obviously, I was wrong. You can't feel anything when you haven't got a heart!"

"Now that's a bit harsh." I answered calmly, slamming my book shut. "I've got a heart. I'm not sure what it's purpose it, but I've got one-"

"No, you haven't. You've just got a giant lump of coal, or ice, something...not good!"

She never makes sense when she's upset. As she started to slide out of the booth, Raven slid in and Goyle pushed me into the wall, squishing my bowler hat.

"Hello." He said cheerily while Raven stared at Ginny, who was giving me devil eyes. She obviously had no longing to socialize with my "friends". We have something in common after all!

"What happened to painting mugs?" I questioned through gritted teeth.

Goyle didn't seemed to notice. He just beamed at Raven, who answered grumpily, "That Neville Longbottom tried to join in and knocked them all to the ground. He's dead annoying. Who's this little tart?"

"I'm am not a tart!" Ginny replied, looking as if she was about to cry again.

"Don't flip, sweetie," Raven told her, pulling out a cigarette. "I did 't mean it in a bad way. You know, 'She's a tart! He's a tart! We're all tarts!'. You know?"

"No," Ginny shook her head, looking a bit more relaxed. I rested my head onmy hand and stared out the window. I wanted to crawl into bed and not come out until graduation.

"Hey!" Raven snapped her fingers. "Aren't you that Gryffindor chick that was all over that Potter kid a couple years back? What a nerd, he is."

"Um," Ginny started, tensing back up. Raven saved her the trouble of finishing.

"Are you and Draco dating?" She questioned, coughing as she took a puff off of her cigarette.

"No!" we both shouted at the same time, then glared at eachother. What was so wrong with me that she didn't want to bemy girlfriend? She had met up with me here, hadn't she?

"Sorry," Raven put up her hands defensively. "I could see you do better. Draco talks too much. That's why I like my Gregory. He's nice and quiet. A good listener."

Goyle grunted in response. They leaned over the table and gave each other a sloppy kiss. It was disgusting. I practically threw up my breakfast all over the two of them.

"Well," Ginny answered with a fake smile once the humping dogs had broken apart. "There's nothing wrong with Draco."

"There isn't?" I questioned, surprised.

Ginny shrugged. "Well, not much anyway. He's got, um, nice eyes. And he's funny, sometimes. And..."

"I smell nice," I whispered across to her.

"Right!" she nodded. "He's smells nice! Like..." She sniffed quickly and they furrowed her eyebrows in concentration. "Um, women's perfume."

"Well, if it isn't the two love birds!" Pansy spat, sticking her head between Goyle's and mine, as she sat in the booth behind us. "You two make the most darling couple!"

"Well, if it isn't Fatsy Patsy," Raven spat right back. I suddenly had a very high opinion of her and would have kissed right on the lips if Ginny hadn't been there.

"It's Pansy," she replied with a sneer.

Raven shrugged. "Either wayyou're still fat."

Pansy ignored Raven and the chuckling Goyle (I have never seen him chuckle!), and turned toward Ginny. "You little slut! Why don't you crawl back to your little Potter and leave my little Drakey alone? He's already suffered enough in your company. I think he's ready to come back to a real woman. He's too much for you."

Ginny balled up her fists and I was sure she was going to jump up on the table and deck Pansy, give the old one two. Instead, she reached across the table, grabbed me by the ears, which I might mention was extremely painful, and slammed her lips right onto mine. The entire table went quiet for the thirty seconds where I couldn't breathe. Then, Ginny let go, pushed me back into a sitting position. I sat there, shocked while she wiped her mouth and smiled gracefully. "Oh, don't worry, Pansy. I think I can handle him."

Raven laughed, clapped Ginny roughly on the back, and flicked the rest of her cigarette between me and Goyle at Pansy. The little brat screamed and pawed at it as it burned a whole in her new green robes.

"Well, this is a little party, isn't it!" Terry Boot annouced angrily as he stopped at our table, Blaise at his side, holding his hand. She gave me a little wave and then returned to her serious pose. "Glad to see you're all having a great time while I was in Dumbledore's office, trying to explain that I did not sexually harass Crabbe!"

"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem," Raven said tritely, lighting another cigarette.

"The only problem I have is with Crabbe spreading vicious rumors about me clutching his ass!"

"Right, right," Blaise went on for him. "Mine is the only ass he's clutching."

"But he'snot the only one clutching your ass, is he Blaisy? What about Draco?" Pansy replied smartly with a nasty grin.

"Don't bring me into this," I told her, trying to shrink as far down in my seat as possible.

Terry gave Blaise a hurt look and started out of the restaurant in a huff. Blaise angrily pushed Pansy into the table and then ran after him shouting, "We were broken up! You can blame me, Draco's got magic hands!"

"I do you know," I told Ginny with a wink.

"I hope you have fun with your little whore, Draco," Pansy hissed.

"Oh, shut it." Ginny replied. With a look at Raven, they both picked up their butterbeers and threw them in her direction, drenching her. She shrieked like a banshee, shook herself off like a dog, and then stormed off in a huff. Obviously, it was a moment of triumph for Ginny, and I didn't want to ruin it.

"We'd better be going." I said quickly. Raven and Goyle let us slide out while Terry Boot came running back up to us with clenched fits, Blaise practically on top of him.

"They're making me go into counseling and it's all your fault!" he screeched in my face. His breath reeked of onions and peppermint. How can Blaise stand it? "I thought your should know."

I gave him an apologetic look.

"With Snape!"

"Ooh," I grimaced, clapping him on the shoulder. "Worse luck! Well, goodbye." And before he could get another word in edge wise, Ginny and I were off, running out of the pub, leaving the rest of them with our bill. As we tumbled through the alley way, Ginny began to laugh.

"I'm about that." I bit my lip and scratched my lip.

"Don't about it." She smiled. "It was very liberating."

And that was it. I squeezed her hand and we went out separate ways. She went to meet up with Potter and his little gang and I decided to make my way back up to the castle. For some reason, I suddenly felt dead tired.

**Monday, November 4th  
**  
Spent last night staring at the ceiling. I could barely move during my classes, I was so tired. Held Ginny's hand underneath the table in Muggle Studies. It was dead romantic, but now my hand is asleep. Now I know what they mean by making sacrifices for love.

I go home on Wednesday to welcome the Lunatic back to the sane world and don't return until the following Tuesday. What awonderful little vacation! Thank goodness my father is crazy; perhaps he can do this again during finals.


	6. The Vacation of Draco Malfoy Part I

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, for reasons unknown to me. Apparently she wrote it or something like that. Bah! 

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Summary:** What's next for Draco Malfoy? His mum is pregnant at the ungodly age of 35, his father's been carted away to the loony bin, and he's losing the closest thing he's had to a bestfriend to a beatnik gothic Ravenclaw. Not to mention the fact that he can't stop thinking about a certain Weasley's legs...no, it's not Ron.

**Rating:** PG-13 for language and a butterbeer bottle to the head.

**Author:** Punk up the Volume

**Author's Note:** Hello all! Thank you for the wonderful and brilliant reviews! Fourteen in three days, I couldn't believe my eyes. So in response I'm going to update a few days earlier than expected. Hopefully I can get this posted quick and you guys can review again! I know, I know, I am a review whore. Thanks again.

* * *

**Tuesday November 5th**

Last day of classes until my short vacation. Took a test in Muggle Studies. Didn't study at all, but I'm sure I'll exceed most people's expectations. Pansy won't talk to me, which is no skin off of my back. It's nice not having her annoying high pitched whine in my ear: "Draco, where are you going?" or "Draco, are you feeling alright?", even "Draco, let's go have a quick romp behind the Quidditch Pitch." I have never "romped" with her, so I've no idea as to how she got the notion in her head.

Terry Boot is equally as grumpy. Ever since he started going out with Blaise, he's become a regular fixture in the Slytherin common room, and he keeps throwing me glares over his shoulder and sending me little notes during Astronomy with skulls and crossbones. Should I be worried about his mental state?

I have more important things to worry about, however:

What is going on between Ginny and I? Are we...going out? If so, how do I know that she knows that? This is far to confusing for me.

How is the Lunatic going to act when he gets back from the looney bin? Is he going to be just as crazy as ever, or a bit more so? Perhaps he will chop us all up in our sleep and feed us to his owls. I saw it in a muggle movie once. It was dead scary! I must make sure to lock my door at night and keep allsharp objects away from the Lunatic.

How is Mum going to be acting? After all, she is five months pregnant. I've heard horrid things about pregnant women becoming moody and irritable and throwing dinner plates at their beloved sons when their tea is not just right. I had better watch my back.

Exactly how is the Lunatic going to react when he finds out I poured Chenelle all over his pin stripped suit? I did him a favor really. He should thank me.

I have to go pack. Wish my Mum were here to do it for me. Sigh.

**Wednesday November 6th**

_Afternoon:_ I am sitting on the Hogwarts train, waiting to stop at the station. It's dead quiet, I'm the only one on bored. No trolley ladies either. I snuck into the back room and broke into the snack locker, but there was nothing there! All that energy exerted for nothing, and I am still hungry.

Ginny came to see me off this morning at the front hall. She told me that she made a sandwhich for me, but it looked like it was made three weeks ago, so I threw it in the bushes once I arrived at the train. I didn't dare tell her she has no future as a cook; she might've thrown something at my head. Lord knows I can take anymore hits to the head after Potter went a crazy at the ball.

I pulled out a book to read from my suitcase an hour into my journey and note from Terry Boot fell out. It read "I'll get you" and underneath was a crudely drawn picture of a stick figure marked "Draco" hanging from a tree, a rope tied around his neckwith X's for eyes.

Everyone is out to get me.

_Night:_ I am finally writing from my own room, but not for long, apparently!

Mum came to pick me up at the station with some old batty woman named Agnes who was looking at me with pure hatred. She's old, and crippled, and had an awful time lugging my suitcase to the car. Mum practically bowled me over when she saw me. She hugged me and squeezed me so tight that my eyes could've popped out of my head! Then she started stroking my hair and crying and moaning about how her darling baby boy was home.

But just afew moments later, she was pushed me over to Agnes and told me to stop being such a lazy little wanker and to help the help.

If I ever get married, I will send my wife away for nine months and wait until she comes back with the baby. I can not stand all these emotions!

Then, when we got home, Mum told me to not get too comfortable in my room. She says that she's got to start decorating for the baby! We have at least eleven bedrooms and Mum has to recycle mine for the babies needs? Preposterous!

"It has the best morning light!" she whined, rubbing her God awful bulge. "The baby, Draco...think of the baby!" I'd rather not, I've been thinking about this damn baby and the apocolypse it's bringing with it for the last two months.

I hate babies!

**Thursday November 7th**

We go and pick up father tomorrow morning, but I've got worse things to worry about. Received a very alarming and frantic letter from Ginny, explaining her recent kidnapping and exorcism. It goes as follows:

**_Dearest Draco,_**

How is your trip going? Well, I hope, because my life has become a living hell in your absence. Upon your departure for you comfy little vacation, I started back up to the Gryffindor common's room, only to be ambushed by three masked figures hiding behind the stature of St. Mungo (oddly appropriate, I found) and was dragged off to the Room of Requitement.

I was gagged and tied to a chair. Then, my captors revealed themselves as non other than my so-called-friends, Harry, Hermione, and my brother Ron. They had dressed all in black and covered up their faces with panty hose because they had seen it in some stupid muggle movie.

I let out a string of obscenities that would make Voldemort blush (I am so proud!) and proceeded to kick at all three of them.

"Settle down, Gin." Harry commanded, grabbing my feet.

"I don't have to settle down when I've been kidnapped and tied to chair by my friends. This is not what you do for the ones you love!"

"We're only trying to help." Hermione nodded her head fervently. I couldn't believe she had gone ahead with this; she's supposed to be the smart one. Bah! "We think that you might have been posessed by V-V-Voldemort." She stuttered.

"What the fuck gave you that idea?" I asked. Just wait, this is a good one.

"We have it from Terry Boot that you've recently been seen in the company of Draco Malfoy," Ron began, "Doing things such as, erm..um...er..."

"Spit it out, Ron!" I told him.

"You were..."

"Snogging him silly," Harry cut in. "Were Terry Boot's exact words. Which is why we think that you've been under the control of Voldemort."

"Lemme get this straight," I responded as calmly as I could muster. I wish you would have been there, Draco, dear, I suppose you would given them the old one-two. Yeah, right! "You think that Voldemort is possessing me so that he might be able to snog with Draco?"

Hermione let out a little cough while Harry looked up at the ceiling and Ron scratched his head. "You know," Harry said after a moment. "She has got a point."

"Of course I've got a point! Untie me right now so I can rip your bloody heads off!"

Hermione had started to undo the ropes, but Ron put his hand on her's to stop her. "On second thought, perhaps we should leave her there a bit longer. We can't just let her go and run around with Draco Malfoy like a little harlot!"

"I'm not a harlot!" I shouted at him, hoping someone would come running into save me, but to no avail. "And I happen to like him. He's interesting. A bit dumb perhaps, self centered, a bloody awful poet if I ever met one-"

"Then why do you like him?" You should have seen the look on Hermione's face when she said this! For once, it seemed she didn't have an answer! It was marvelous.

I shrugged. "I dunno. I just do. He does have some redeaming qualities. Plus, he going through a bit of a tough time. His dad has gone bonkers after all." Sorry, no offense.

"A tough time? A tough time!" Ron bellowed. "He's been putting the three of us through a tough time for the past five years! You'd better believe that Mum and Dad'll be hearing about this."

"I'm sure they will."

That was when they untied me, very warily though. They obviously took the ripping off of the their heads comment seriously. I don't have the stomach for something like that. At any rate, I hope you're happy. Do you realize what I am sacrificing for you? I'm bound to get a howler tomorrow at breakfast!

Not much else to tell you. Terry Boot, the little git, started counseling with Snape and when I was passing by the Ravenclaw table, I happened to overhear Cho Chang telling some of her friends that he came back to their common room in tears and was inconsolable. I hope Snape did something truly awful to him! He deserves it after ratting me out to Ron, Harry, and Hermione.

Hope you are well. How far along is your mum? Is she very moody?

Love, Ginny  
  
Is she very moody? Is she very moody! Ha! Ha! Ha! This afternoon she broke into tears when I brought her a piece of half eaten cake in bed. What can I say? I got hungry on the way up from the kitchen. At any rate, I was only trying to helpful, and it was quite rude to throw the dish against the wall! Not only are my predictions coming true, but I also had to go and one of the damn houseelves to clean up the mess.

"But Ruffy is on break, master Draco," he whined when I dragged him up to the bedroom! Break? Ha! Someone has been liberating these houseelves; the culprit must be stopped before the houseelves start demanding paid vacation! Honestly.

Father comes home tomorrow. It shall be interesting to see what affect St. Mungo's has had on him. Perhaps he is a bit more agreeable now. Perhaps he will increase my pocket money! One can only hope.

Later: It is past midnight and I was just reading Ginny's letter again. She called me Draco dear and signed it love Ginny. Love! She sent me her love! I am loved! She loves me! She is my girlfriend and I love her and we will run through a meadow full of daisies and laugh and play and make love in the noon day sun!

Perhaps I am a bit tired.

Even Later: Oh no! I'm sure father will never approve of my new girlfriend! He will skin me alive! Woe is me. Ginny was talking about sacrifices; yeah, well, I'm practically sacrificing my life!

**Friday November 8th**

Horrible news! Horrible, ghastly, terrible, horrendous and all around smelly news! Apparently mum let slip the impending arrival of the Lunatic to Grandma Malfoy and now she wants to come with us to St. Mungo's to see him home! This is appalling! She's a horrid and beastly woman with the temperment of an enraged hippogriff and a hunched-back. I fear that she will suck out what little joy we have in our home like a dementor!

This is horrible, horrible, horrible news! Perhaps I can hide under my bed when she apparates to the manor.

_Later:_ Grandma Malfoy apparated an hour after she was due; she is always late, I don't see why mum had me get all dressed up to see that old witch. The bowtie was choking me and turning my skin blue. Does air depravation give you spots? Hopefully not!

"Well," she tisked instead of a normal hello. "You didn't mention that you've gotten yourself knocked up again, Narcissa."

Mum blushed something awful. "Oh, ah, it must have slipped my mind."

Grandma Malfoy tisked again. "I hope I can assume that it's Lucius's."

Mum didn't give her a straight answer; she merely clapped her hands together and asked, "How long do you think you'll be staying Hyacinth?" Perhaps Mum is hiding something! Who knows what goes on when I am at school! Maybe my mum is having drunken trysts in muggle bars when the Lunatic is out! Imagine, just imagine!

"Oh," Grandma Malfoy replied. "About a week or so I suppose."

Mum and I just about fainted. "Now," she went on. "Where is my Draco darling!"

Cursing my luck, I grudgingly stepped out from behind Agnes, who was muttering under her breath as per usual (from what I've seen anyhow), and stepped over to where Grandma Malfoy stood.

"There is my special little darling grandson!" she screeched, grabbing me and squeezing me so hard that my eyes practically boggled out of my head. She hit me roughly on the back and slapped two galleons into my hand. "Happy birthday, Draco! Don't spend it too quickly. Here," Then she pushed her huge overnight bag into my chest. "Take this up to my room, won't you? That's a good boy."

The bag may have weighed fifty or so pounds and I may have been a bit guilty about leaving Mum in the evil clutches of Grandma Malfoy, but I was still very happy about getting away from that awful old woman. I hauled the bag up to the room Agnes had fixed up forher earlier. Looked through the bag real quick for another, better present. All I found was some old woman underwear.

At any rate, we spent the next two hours drinking tea in the dining room and sitting in silence, aside from the occasion snide comment from Grandma Malfoy. I am still a bit bitter about my present. After all, my birthday was two months ago and I could go through two galleons with a snap of my fingers. I know she's holding back; she's loaded and I know it.

Attwo forty five, Mum was starting to get antsy. She pinched me and told me to go get the house elf and tell him to get the floo powder ready. The owl Mum received said to meet a Dr. Avery in the Mind Reabilitating Center on the fourth floor at three o'clock.

"Oh, that darn floo powder," Grandma Malfoy tutted, taking another sip of her tea and wiping the biscuit crumbs out of herslight mustache. "Always irritating my allegies. Can't we just apparate?"

"I'm afraid Draco isn't of age," Mum muttered, clenching my arm so tight I was sure she was going to draw blood.

"I don't see why he can't apparate this once."

"It's against the law, Hyacinth," Mum explained in a calm schoolteacher voice.

"Always full of excuses."

I'm not sure how Mum will manage a whole week of Grandma Malfoy staying. I'm going back to Hogwarts on Tuesday and I'm sure the Lunatic will be of no help; no doubt he'll be in a right mental state. I'll be lucky if I escape from this prison without having been hit by a piece of good china. It seems our family has a pension for breaking all the lovely dishes. I bruise like a peach, you know, and all this stress cannot be good for my complexion. I can't remember the last time that I completed my entire daily facial regemine. Look what love has done to my priorities!

So, amid Grandma Malfoy's tuts and mutterings, we made out way to the fireplace that Ruffy had prepared for us and started the journey towards St. Mungo's. Personally, I agree with Grandma Malfoy when it comes to floo powder. I'm very sensative, as Mum knows, and the dust'll clog up my sinus' for days. But what does she care? She's suddenly become very self absorbed now that she's pregnant. Perhaps it'll teach her to use protection next time!

Not only is the dust horrid, but the feeling that my insides are being pulled in opposite directions by two wild hippogrifs is not exactly comforting. Damn floo powder!

We did, however, arrive at St. Mungo's intact, except for Grandma Malfoy's large purple and red hat that had disappeared and did not survive the journey. I expect some wizard will be very alarmed by the terrible hat flying out of his fireplace. It would be a laugh to see! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Grandma Malfoy, of course, made a terrible stink about climbing four flights of stairs and I have to admit there should be an easier method of transportation. After all, it's very uncomfortable when they bring down the mental patients for treatment and they grab your arm and croon, "Randall, my dearest Randall, you've gotten so big!" and then leave scratch marks all over your porcelin skin. I must look like a nutter who's been clawing at himself! I don't see why I even have to come to get the Lunatic. There's a good chance he might not even recognize me at all! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Well, we finally made it to the fourth floor, althought Grandma Malfoy made us stop several times, clutching her chest and panting like a mad woman. She was convinced she was having a cardiac episode. She kept moaning that she's not old enough to die. She certainly looks old enough! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Like I said, we made it all the way up to the deserted waiting room when a bloke who looked a bit too young to be ahealer came rushing over, wheezing like he had run a ten mile race. "Ms...(pant)...Malfoy?"

"Yes?" Both Grandma Malfoy and Mum answered in sync and then glared at eachother. "Yes?" Mum answered again, solo.

"Hello, ma'am, my name is DavidAvery, I'm Lucius' healer. Before our nurses bring out you husband, I'd like to have a word. I presume that you received my letter."

"Of course." Mum answered gracefully.

"Did you read the entire thing?" he answered, biting his lip and pushing his Potter-esqe glaces up the bridge of his nose. "The ENTIRE letter?"

"No," Mum frowned. "Why? Should I have?"

"Well," Avery paused. "In the letter, I reported that your husband has been having some problems, but since he is no longer violent, we have decided to release him into your care."

Mum frowned. "What kind of problems?" she questioned firmly in a monotone voice.

"As it happens, he, well, er, he's slightly...regressed."

"What do you mean, regressed?" Mum's eyes started to open wider.

Before Dr. Avery could answer, a shout echoed from behind the closed ward doors. "I want to see my Mummy! I want to see her right now!"

Now Mum's eyes boggled completely out of her head and we gave each other nervous looks. We both knew that voice, the voice that was normally shouting, not begging for his mummy.

"What do you mean he's regressed?" Mum spat. I was ready to hold her back in case she lunged at the healer. She is five months pregnant after all! Her emotions are off the wall.

"It's means, um, I'm sorry, I'm new at this. Er, it means that his mental state and emotional state has...er, slipped back a few years."

"How many years?"

"Um..." Dr. Avery checked the chart in his hand. "Let's see, erm, about...thirtythree years."

"Let me get this straight!" Grandma Malfoy exploded, stepping in front of Mum as she spoke for the first time. She jabbed her finger into Avery's chest and he let out a whimper. "You're telling me that my boy thinks he's five years old?"

"Indeed." Dr. Avery answered. I'm sure that Grandma Malfoy was ready to give him the old one-two, but she was interrupted by a streak of blond hair running through the ward doors toward us. I had never seen the Lunatic so happy and frantic. In fact, I'd never seen him run before!

"Mummy!" he cried as he approached us.

"My darling boy!" Grandma Malfoy cried, opening her arms for him to run into. She let out a yelp as he pushed past her, knocking her backwards, and collided into Mum.

"Mummy!" he cried again.

"What is the meaning of this!" Grandma Malfoy implored angrily, straightening her dress as she stood upright.

"Well," Avery started as two nervous looking nurses stood by his side. "In an effort to knock him out of the regression, we showed him pictures of his son and his wife. But, it backfired slightly."

I expected Mum to start shouting at this point, but she was trying to push away the Lunatic, who was clinging to her like he never wanted to let go.

"Backfired how?" Grandma Malfoy persisted.

"He sort of convinced himself that Narcissa...well, that Narcissa is his mum and his son, Draco, is his brother."

I let out a chortle breaking the silence. Grandma Malfoy let out an unintelligiable snarl and turned away, starting back down towards the stairs, leaving us to deal with the mess the Lunatic had made.


	7. The Vacation of Draco Malfoy Part II

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything having to do with Harry Potter. 

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Rating:** PG-13, man.

**Author:** Emily

**Author's Note:** Well, I can't believe that I haven't updated in two months. I'm so sorry about the long wait. I've been so busy, and school has started up, but I felt I must update for my loyal readers. Thanks!

Thanks to all my loyal readers and reviewers! If I didn't have a hand cramp from writing so much, I would definately list all your names right here. I promise I will next time.

* * *

**Saturday November 9th**

Well, today has been downright depressing. Grandma Malfoy's been stomping around the house, throwing things at houseelves. Mum's been equally disturbing. She just sits in her bed and cries while she pats her bulge. I wish she would show me that much attention. She should be cherishing her last few days with me at home before I leave her all alone with a man with the IQ of a five year old! For cripes sake!

Today at breakfast Lucius started going on and on about his cat. "Where's JoJo?" he said as he pulled on my sleeve. "I want my kitty-cat."

"You don't have one," I muttered and went back to my Muggle Studies text. Unbeknownced to Mum and the rest, I had a copy of Big and Bouncy Hags stuck inside.

"He certainly must have loved his cat," Mum commented between sobs and sips of tomato soup.

"I wouldn't think so," Grandma Malfoy replied in a worn tone. "He set it on fire when he was six."

Mum choked onher soup and I started to laugh. My magazine fell out of my book. Needless to say, I was sent to my room for all eternity.

**Sunday November 10th**

_Morning: _I've been condemned to slave labor. Mum made me help her work in the garden this morning because the gardener quit yesterday. He was scared off by Grandma Malfoy's neurotic tendencies. I spent two hours shoveling the same dirt over and over! At least Mum stopped sobbing.

_Afternoon: _Caught Grandma Malfoy snooping in my room. She was just about to open my ultra secret privacy drawer of doom a-go-go when I caught her. I don't need her finding my back issues of Big and Bouncy Hags. Although, I do think a heart attack might do her some good.

Then I had to _talk _to the old wench. She wanted to know how I was doing in school, if I was getting eight hours of sleep a night, if my mother was providing me with enough Vitamin C, if I was thinking of what sort of job I wanted at the Ministry of Magic.

I informed my dear, sweet Grandmother that I had no intention of working for the MOM. I told her that I was going to be a famous Quidditch star. So, famous, in fact, that I was going to have my own action figure with super kung fu grip and maybe a dream house.

"Don't be silly," she squinted at me. "Why would you want a doll of yourself?"

"Not a doll," I told her. "An action figure with super kung fu grip. And maybe a dream house."

"You'll outgrow that when you become a Deatheater, just like your dear old Dad."

"Not a Deatheater. Action figure. Kung fu grip. Dream house. Not pink though, maybe a manly blue, or green."

Grandma Malfoy said me and my doll could both go to hell. Then she stormed out, yelling that this was all my mother's doing.

"Not a doll!"

_Midnight:_ I'm stricken with insomnia. I'm devastatingly worried about Grandma Malfoy's concern with my Vitamin C intake. Am I becoming blotchy? God forbid! I could get scurvy and it would be all my mother's fault! Curse that demon seed inside of her! She been so preoccupied that she's forgotten all about my health and needs!

**Monday November 11**

_Morning: _Mum found me lying on the bathroom counter this morning. I must have fallen asleep while counting my spots last night. I had horrible dreams where a giant Vitamin C pill chased me around a corn field. Snape was playing the mandolin and Terry Boot was sitting like a wooden dummy on Blaise's lap while she told knock knock jokes.

I once heard that our dreams are really our most hidden desires manifested in the dark. Ha! I certainly hope that Terry Boot isn't involved in any of my most hidden desires! Who ever thought up that theory is a crackpot.

Mum told me that she's worried about me and wants me to see the school counselor when I get back to Hogwarts. Counselor! I didn't even know the school had a bloody counselor. She told me that she'd send me five galleons everytime I went for a meeting. Hell, I'll pretend to be bipolar for that amount of pocket money a week!

_1:00 p.m.: _Spent most of the noon hour trying to write Ginny a dead romantic poem. My creativity has been stolen from me by these ugly circumstances! It's Grandma Malfoy's looming presence that's doing, I just know it! The sooner she leaves, the better.

_2:00 p.m.: _I did the best I could. Here's what I came up with:

My darling Ginevra

No one can compare

To your blood red hair

And ghost like skin

Maybe you should have that

Checked out

It can't possibly be healthy

Maybe it's a rare skin disease

That I can cure with my love

I am desperately lonely without you

Being without you

Is like when peanut butter sticks to the

roof of your mouth

Well, not your mouth

My mouth really

I meant 'your' as in a collective 'your'

I miss your little tendencies

Like when you bite your nails

During Muggle Studies

You make this sound

Like a gopher choking

Or when you get embarressed and

Puff out your cheeks

You look like a blowfish

But the point is that I miss you

And you god awful habits

And your huge legs

I am like peanut butter without jelly

Or jelly without peanut butter

I hope you miss me just as much

As I miss you

I sent it off with Boris, the owl. Hopefully it'll arrive before I do tomorrow.

_4:00 p.m.: _The Lunatic came bouncing into my room like a puppy and jumped up and down on my bed until I payed attention to him. He was grinning, actually grinning! I've never seen my Dad grin before. I do not like this change at all.

"Let's play pirates!" he shouted in my left ear while I pined for Ginny.

"No," I told him, "I'm trying to think deep thoughts."

"Will you be done soon?" he questioned impatiently. "I want to play pirates." He pulled out an eye patch made of construction paper and elastic and a plastic sword.

"I will never play pirates with you. Ever," I told him, going back to my deep thoughts.

"But you have to," he whined, sticking his thumb in his mouth. "You're my brudder."

"I'm not your brudder or your brother. I'm your son, you psychopath."

Lucius giggled. "You're silly, Draco. Only old people have sons. I'm not old. Please play with me!"

"Listen to me," I commanded, pushing him off of my bed. "I will never play pirates with you. Never, ever, ever!"

_6:00 p.m.: _Well, due to unforseen circumstances, Grandma Malfoy has left in a huff. When Lucius and I were playing pirates in the back yard, we accidentally buried some of her jewelry in the garden. She was especially mad about the dirt encrusted Sapphire tiara, which apparently has been passed through the generations for thousands of years. Honestly, who takes a tiara on vacation with them?

Also, it seems that Lucius' sword indeed NOT plastic, but one he had swiped from the suit of armor standing in the entry way. I'm thanking God that he didn't take a swipe at me. Mum locked him in a spare bedroom, more out of fear than punishment. I'm certainly glad that I'm going back to Hogwarts tomorrow. Poor Mum has to stay here, pregnant and all, with the Lunatic.

Well, I wish her luck.

Also, I did manage to swipe an emerald necklace from Grandma Malfoy before she left. It must be worth a thousand galleons, at least! I think I'll give it to Ginny. That'll teach Grandma not to call my action figure a doll!

**Tuesday November 12**

Unfortunately, the Hogwarts Express is currently under repairs, so I was forced to Floo back to Hogwarts, even though Mum knows how much the dust clogs up my sinus'. Doesn't she know that I am very susceptable to head colds, what with my Vitamin C deficiency and all? She didn't even go with me; she took Lucius to buy a new cat. Her doctor put her on a new prescription and now she's like a vessel of cheer. It can't possibly be good for the demon seed.

Tumbled into Dumbledore's office around noon and took a few candies from his dish since no one was there. Perhaps I am developing a case of kleptomania. Perhaps I can be the troubled boy of Slytherin! Everyone wants to have a go with the troubled boy!

I strolled down to the Slytherin common room and met Raven on my waydown tothe dungeons. I asked her where Ginny was and she just grinned in a manical way.

"Oh, she's up in the dormitory. She's all alone up there, too," she told me casually. "I think she's waiting for you. The password is "Severitus Impacto", if you're interested. She's got a surprise for you. A big one."

"Really? Does this surprise involve sex?"

Raven raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "Hmmm...no. It's even better."

I practically ran all the way up to the Gryffindor Tower. Luckily, no one was in the common room. It must have been lunch; my tummy was growling with hunger, but I still had high hopes that my surprise was sex. I peeked into the girl's dormitory, looking for Ginny, and got a whole lot more than I expected.

"Ginny?" I called, stepping in the doorway. "I saw Raven and...- ah! Boobs!"

"Ah!" she shrieked back, pulling a shirt over her head. "Ah! Draco!"

"Ah! Green hair!" Her hair, her beautiful - alright, decent - red hair had been replaced by bright boogie colored curls.

"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed, pushing me out the doorway, straight into Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown.

"Ah! Boy! A boy!" Lavender shrieked.

"Oooh, it's Draco Malfoy," Parvati purred.

I pushed past the both of them and ran shrieking down to the Slytherin common room, where I accidentally stumbled in Crabbe's chest.

"Hey, mate," he greeted me with a big clap on the back. "How was your vacation. Hey, why are you breathing like that?"

"Ginny...hair...GREEN!" I panted, trying to regain my breath.

"Oh, yeah, Raven did it yesterday. Isn't it great?"

"Raven did it?" I questioned, snarling.

"Sure did. Lemme tell you, Ginny's brother blew a gasket! He's in a coma up in the hospital wing right now."

No matter how much I enjoyed the thought of a paralyzed Ron Weasley, all of my liking for Raven instantly disappeared. She was transfered to my People to Kill Once I Am Powerful Enough That No One Will Care list.

Went and hid under my bed the rest of the afternoon, hoping that Snape didn't know I was back. Goyle warned me that Terry Boot had been sleeping naked in my bed every night, trying to stink it up. I didn't care about Terry Boot's revenge plans! I had just seen Ginny half naked! I had seen...boobs, very nice ones at that, and I wasn't the least bit happy about it! I should have been rejoicing. There should have been a choir of angels singing. Instead, my girlfriend of a week was going to break up with me.

I just know it.


	8. The Near Death of Draco Malfoy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything having to do with Harry Potter 

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Author:** Emily (I think I'm going to change my name, so I'm not putting Punk Up the Volume anymore)

**Rating:** PG-13

**Author's Note:** Thank you to all of lovely, lovely reviewers. I am so pleased by your support and kudos. As promised, I will list all of your names because...well, because you guys rock!

_**meheeners, inuevans, Teresina Dragonwagon, Dorthey Star, Mizuhi Sakura, Vanyaria Darkshadow. Eienvine, vamprincess1986, Necrocora, Novalee Sims, NotYourAverageSchoolgirl, heart of chocolate, eX Driver Liz, hoobagirl69 (aka Michaela), and Krystal 1989.**_

The next chapter may take a little over a week to post. I really need to study for my permit test.

* * *

**Wednesday November 13th**

I am still hiding from Ginny. I cannot bear the pain of her breaking up with me. It would be a travesty! If anything, I should be the one breaking up with her! I am a Malfoy for goodness sake!

I have taken up residence under my bed. Snape will not dare look under here. That rat, Terry Boot, told him I was back from vacation and he's been looking for me ever sense. I will exact my revenge on Terry Boot very soon.

It is cold under here. There is little light to write in my beloved journal, and I have had nothing to eat since yesterday morning. I will surely starve to death. There will be a memorial service in my honor and the whole school will attend. I can picture it now. Pansy will give my eulogy, sobbing over my untimely death. Mum and the Lunatic will be sitting in the front row, contemplating how they should have treated me like the prince I was. Also, there would be a nice shrimp dinner afterwards.

And Terry Boot can't come.

**Thursday November 14th**

Goyle, the idiot that he is, brought me a get well card. There is a picture of a stick figure me combing his hair in front of the mirror. It is very true to life. I thought the glitter and paper mache was a nice touch.

But of course I won't tell him so.

I hung it on my mirror as a tribute to my figure.

**Friday November 15th**

Raven came barging in this morning. I had decided that sooner or later, Snape would check under the bed, so I was in the process of climbling out my window. She grabbed me by the back of my wonderfully expensive robes and dragged me into the commons room. She said that Ginny would like very much to see me and that Professor Dumbledore would as well.

When did she and Ginny become best mates? What else have I missed besides Ginny's green hair? Has Potter bought himself a brain? Has Granger failed a test? Did Snape and the squid has a romantic redezvous that nobody bothered to inform me of?

I felt very left out and went back to my room.

**Saturday November 16th**

Snape came in this morning with a big bucket of cold water and threw it all over me. I threatened that if my cashmire robes shrunk, it would be his greasy head on a platter! He ignored the threats and told me that if I didn't get out of bed, I would be expelled. I didn't much like the thought of living with the Lunatic full time, so I figured I eventually would.

But right then, I just told Snape to sod off. He gave me three detentions. I reminded him of all the wonderful times we had together. I got off with one.

I had Crabbe make sure that Ginny wasn't around when I went up to breakfast. As soon as I sat down at the table, I ate everything on my plate. Pansy said I looked like a mongrel. My manners are starting to resemble that of Crabbe and Goyle! And when did Pansy get a backbone?

Went back down to the common room and wrote some dead devastating poetry.

_I wish I were an owl_

_No responsibilities_

_No Muggle Studies_

_No green hair_

_No spots_

_Only sitting in a tree_

_And licking my bottom_

_All day long_

_Because that is what owls do_

_Lucky sons of bitches they are_

_Coo_

I thought about showing it to Crabbe and asking what he thought, but then thought better of it. It is much to beautiful and sad and personal. I shall slip it to Ginny on Monday, before she can break my heart. Or perhaps I'll attend one of those beatnik meetings in the Ravenclaw common room. I would definitly get a standing ovation.

I must begin work on my plan for revenge on Terry Boot. It must be a devastating blow to his ego.

**Sunday November 17th**

Blaise has been crying all around the common room because Terry Boot has broken up with her. He apparently sent her a long letter (filled with many attrocious grammar mistakes, I might add) all about how much he hates her and specific reasons why.

1) Her hair is stringy like limp noodles.

2) She wears robes that would shame a streetwalker.

3) She says her "r's" funny.

There was far more. I should know, I wrote the letter! My plan for revenge is complete. It was an utter triumph!

Also, I was called into Dumbledore's office today. He said Mum sent a rather large package for me. I read the attached letter first. It went as follows:

_Dear Draco,_

_Alas, I have a big boy job for you. Do you think you can handle it? I took your father/brother out to buy a cat a few days ago. Unfortunately, yesterday, he set him slightly on fire. We managed to extinguish him before to much damage was caused to my beautiful rug._

_Lucius refused to give me the cat. Therefore, I have wrestled it out of his arms while he was asleep (he had it in a headlock; the poor thing nearly suffocated) and have sent it to you._

_He doesn't have a name, so it's up to you, but please, please take care of it. I don't need two animal abusers in my family._

_Love,_

_Your very pregnant and overstressed Mum_

"A cat!" I cried. No way was I taking care of a cat! They were for girls! And they stunk! And pooped! No way was I going to take care of anything that pooped in my room!

"I'm afraid you'll have to take him," Professor Dumbledore informed me, setting a tabby cat on his desk. It was the ugliest creature I have ever seen! It's fur stuck up in all directions (reminded me a bit of Potter) and there were bald patches all along it's back. Not only that, it stunk of mice and had a large scar running over it eye.

"I'm allergic," I explained. "Achoo. Achoo."

"I'm afraid I'm wise to you deception," said Dumbledore in his _I'm smarter and more mysterious than you nyah nyah _voice.

"Fine, I'll take the stupid beast," I hissed, grabbing the cat off the desk, perhaps a bit roughly. It began to claw at my arms with amazing ferocity. It's possessed by the devil! I tried not to show any pain as I made my way back down to the common room. It wad quite tough, but I am a trooper.

_Later: _I have named the evil cat **le Frai du Diable**. It means The Spawn of the Devil in French. I will call him Diable for short.

_1:00 a.m.: _The cat has peed on the bed. I have moved to the floor.

_3:00 a.m.:_ The cat has peed on the floor. I have moved to the common room.

_4:00 a.m.:_ The cat has followed me out to the common room. It won't stop staring at me with it's one mad eye. Also, it makes this growling sound deep in it's throat like it's about to swallow me whole.

**Monday November 18th**

I did not get much sleep last night due to Diable. He truly is the spawn of the devil. He just keeps glaring at me like he's plotting something extremely dastardly. Also, he keeps following me everywhere. To class, to breakfast: I feel like Little Bo Peep. The teachers all think he's adorable until he takes a swipe at them.

Snape was especially smitten, even after Diable peed in his Sleeping Draught.

I heard that Ron Weasley has woken from his coma and is resting in the Gryffindor common room. Lucky bastard!

_Later:_ I grabbed a loaf of bread from the houseelves and skipped out on lunch. Diable and I went to sit down by the lake. Diable caught a bug and toyed with it menacingly before treating it to a cruel and merciless death. This is my kind of cat.

The giant squid seems quite lonely. I can really relate to him. Gave him half of my bread, but he just spat it back out at me. I'm sure to have a bruise on my forehead.

Was relaxing and thinking deep thoughts when a red streak ran right past my eye and tackled me from the side. It was Ron Weasley and he was trying to choke me! Emphasis on _trying_.

"You stupid jerk!" he spat clawing at my neck. "Why did you have to get involved with my sister!"

"She had the nicest ass!" I told him. I was only trying to be honest. It was probably not the best route.

"HFKGPFDSDGJSFDNF!" he shouted, or something along those lines. He now had a much better grip on my neck. Next to me Diable was circling, growling in my ear.

"Kill him! Hurt him! Get him the fuck off of me!" I commanded.

"Shut up!" Ron shouted, slapping me. It felt rather nice. "You little asshole! I'm not taking anything from you anymore! None of your smartass insults, nothing!"

As Ron started topunch me in the stomach with one hand and choke me with the other, I saw my life pass before my eyes. I saw Mum drinking a glass of wine while I fell took my first steps. I saw Mum drinking a glass of brandy while I fell off my toy broom. I saw Mum drinking from a hip flask when they dropped me off at the Hogwarts Express for my first year of school.

I really need to send my Mum a letter about her drinking.

Out of my eye, I could see a large group of people running down the hill at a phenominal speed, but it really didn't strike me as important at the moment. Instead, I concentrated on getting Weasley the hell off of me.

"Jesus Christ!" Weasley shouted as Diable, finally realizing I was in trouble, jumped on his back with a yowl and dug his claws into his skin. As Ron let go of my neck and reached for the stupid cat, who had also just peed on his back, a boot hit him square in the face, sending him backwards into the lake. With amazing precision, Diable jumped into Ginny's arms, who didn't seem fazed at all. Rather, she seemed very angry.

"You jerk!" she shouted at Ron, who was bobbing in the water, gasping for air. "How dare you!" Raven stopped, out of breath behind Ginny, and Crabbe stopped after her.

"Ron's in the water!" Granger started shrieking the obvious, as per usual. "Ron's in the water!"

"C'mon!" Ginny grabbed my arm and pulled me back toward the castle. "I'm not staying around these hypocrites another minute!"

"Wait, Ginny," Hermione yelled, lunging after us. "Don't go, let's talk about this!"

"No, let her go," Potter told her. "I want her desert."

"I'm not going to listen to you, Hermione," Ginny spat towards her, jerking me and Diable around. "Ron tried to kill Draco!"

"Malfoy would be a lot better person if more people tried to kill him," Potter answered.

"Urgh," Ginny replied. "Urgh." Then the three of us ran back to the castle.

"Here it is," Ginny told me, pushing open the door to a room I had never seen before. "No one can bother us in here." She slammed the door shut after I stepped inside. There was a couch sitting against the back wall, candles lit all over the place, and a giant box of creme puffs sitting on the table.

It was wonderful.

"What is this place?" I asked Ginny and she laid down on the couch, stroking the mean little ball of fur. It purred, actually purred! And it didn't look menacing at all.

"The room of requirement," she answered, scarfing down a creme puff. I took the box away from her. They were mine. "It only appears when you really need it. Harry and Hermione can't find us here."

"Well..." I waited.

"Well, what?" she grinned. "Welcome home by the way. I have your homework from Muggle Studies." She pulled her green hair up into a ponytail.

"Aren't you going to break up with me?" I questioned with about six puffs in my mouth.

Ginny snorted. "Why would I do that?"

"Because I saw your breasts!"

"Yeah, so has just about everyone in my family."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, not on purpose," she replied, looking abashed. "It was an accident. Hey, can I have one of those creme puffs?"

I pulled the box out of her reach and then reconsidered. I was starving! "So how do you like my hair?" she grinned.

"It's atrocious," I told her. "Hopefully it'll grow out."

Ginny wrinkled her nose. "So," she answered tritely. "How's your father? Still crazy?"

"Yep. He thinks he's five." I told her, swallowing the last of the puffs. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, there was a bowl of treacle pudding sitting on the table. "Also, he tried to kill me with a sword."

"Sounds like a wonderful time." She didn't sound the least bit surprised about the Lunatic. "How's your Mum?"

"Pregnant," I replied. "And mean. And really sad."

"Oh. When did you get a cat?"

"Yesterday. My Dad set it on fire."

"Oh."

"Hey, wanna makeout?"

Ginny thought about it. "Okay," she said.

_Later: _After we returned to our respective dorms, I was called back up to Professor Dumbledore's office. The stupid cat followed me. It wouldn't stop rubbing up against my leg and purring. I will be very angry if cat hair ruins these trousers!

"I heard about your slight altercation with Mr. Weasley this afternoon," he said over his horrible half-moon eyeglasses.

"It wasn't slight," I told him as Diable started sipping on Dumbledore's tea. "He tried to kill me."

"Not well, I might say." Dumbledore chuckled.

"Hmmm," I snarled.

"At anyrate, Mr. Weasley has been suspended."

"Suspended?" I roared, jumping out of my seat. "Suspended! I demand he be expelled! The death penalty! I demand he be executed! Or...or...publicly mocked in the stockades!"

Dumbledore chuckled yet again. It was starting to get very annyoing. "I'm afraid we don't own any stockades. Besides, Mr. Malfoy, it is up to Professor McGonagall to handle disciplinary actions. Not the students. What I wanted to talk to you about is...would you like a butterscotch twist?"

"Can I have a scotch instead?" I asked hopefully.

Dumbledore chuckled. I hope he chokes on a lemon drop. "No, no, dear boy. Actually, it comes to my attention that although you arrived back last Wednesday, you have attended barely any of your classes. I'm afraid this requires a punishment. I think that helping Hagrid with his duties for a week will suffice."

Unthinkable! I have to help that stupid oaf clean out the animal troughs! Argh!

**Tuesday November 19th**

First day of my enslavement. I had to scrub the Quidditch goalposts while Hagrid, Potter, and Granger watched. They sat on lawn chairs sipping lemonades and trying to get tans. I will have to report this to Snape. He will find some way to punish them.

**Wednesday November 20th**

After a incident in Transfiguration class, McGonagall, the old bat, assigned me a twelve foot essay on why I should not try to hex fellow students (Potter, Granger, Longbottom) into oblivion. If only she knew the agony they put me through.

**Thursday November 21st**

Sat with Ginny at the Gryffindor table during lunch. I was jumped by a mob of a Gryffindors and Terry Boot who politely asked me to leave. I hobbled back to my own table, but Diable stayed and peed in Harry Potter soup. He also left a large surprise in the spotted dick.

Had to help Hagrid trim the pitch grass. He made me use a pair of scissors. It took me forever. When his back was turned I used my wand. He looked rather befuddled, as per usual.

**Friday November 22nd**

I have been informed by Professor Cornelius that I am now passing Muggle Studies! With the lowest grade possible...but still! I am throwing a party!

_Midnight:_ The party has winded down and I am lying in bed while Diable toys with another bug. I like the way he is turning out.

Pretty much everyone showed up to the party. Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, even most of Gryffindor. Ginny brought some of her brother's pastries and we slipped them to Terry Boot. He was moping in the corner of the room while Blaise savagely snogged with Harry Potter. It was disgusting! Granger waspouting as well. She and Boot just stood together, muttering under their breath. Perhaps she'll get together with him and stop being such a tightass.

Snape was once again the life of the party. He had a bit too much Butterbeer and started swinging from the chandelier. He decided to go to bed after he landed on Millicent Bulstrode.

Diable bit Harry Potter on the leg.

It was a very productive day.

* * *

**Review Questions:**

1) Is Draco's love for Ginny a good ratio between shallowness and actual affection?

2) Was green a good choice for Ginny's hair?

3) Is Harry a big enough prat?

4) Isn't Diable cute?

5) What are you going to be for Halloween?


	9. The Training of Draco Malfoy

**Title:** The Growing Pains of Draco Malfoy: Age 16

**Author:** Emily

**Rating:** PG-13

**Author's Note:** Thankyou once again to all of my wonderful reviewers: Novalee Sims, Laina3, skybluepink, heart of chocolate, Terrasina Dragonwheel, eX Driver Liz, lauren, Michaela, Smudged, MoosiesRule, angelbear, My Butt hurts (i'm very sorry to hear that), meheeners, Zoid5, kittybro, AnitaBlake/BuffyFan, Kiah, FemmeDraconis, Vanyaria Darkshadow, Eienvine, NotYourAverageSchoolGirl, Necrocora, Krystal1989

I'm very sorry about the long wait the updaye (over a week!) been very, very busy. I had a parade to march in, six newspaper work nights, and I had to babysit three times. Also, I have a job interview today! (dances wildly) The job is at the concessions stand at the local movie theater, it's going to be kickass. In fact, it's going to be so kickass, it will kick it's own ass.

Also, on a sadder note, Richard Kelly. net announced about 15 new date for showings of Donnie Darko: Director's Cut and none of them are anywhere close to me. Neither are any Green Day concerts. Go buy their new cd, it's awesome.

Also, when it comes out, buy Donnie Darko: Director's Cut. It's going to be so kickass it will also kick it's own ass. Yes, I said it twice.

* * *

**Saturday November 23rd**

It rained today. Did absolutely nothing for my mood. The big oaf, Hagrid, made me fix the lightening rod on his house during the storm. I suspect there is a plot against my life. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger threw pebbles at me from the ground.

I accidentally knocked a few shingles down in their direction. It did not to much to damage their spirit. They just threw bigger rocks.

**Sunday November 24th**

Quidditch practice this morning, my first since I returned to school. It was dead foggy; Crabbe crashed into the grandstands. He was sent to the hospital with a broken rib. I must make him a card.

Derrick is getting out of hand. These game faces are obviously not working. They lost to Ravenclaw during my abscence. Ravenclaw! I never thought I would say this, but I miss Marcus Flint. He may have smelled like boiled cabbage and talking in three word sentences, but at least he knew how to win!

**Monday November 25th**

It is official, I have been kicked off of the Quidditch team.

This morning after practice, Derrick was berating me for not putting enough muscle into my facial expressions. I told him to sod off and his spat at me! Spat! Disgusting. I'm not surprised if he's ruined my new Dragonskin boots!

At anyrate, Diable came to my defense. He yowled and hissed and scratched up Derrick face beyond recognition. Unfortunately, Derrick has a rather good pitching arm. You should have seen the poor cat fly, diary!

I yelled that nobody hurts my kitty and attacked Derrick with all my strength. Goyle had to pull me off! I was officially kicked off the team by McGonagall about thirty seconds later, but the plus side is that Derrick is having trouble seeing out of his left eye and they've got to find a new captain. I am the people's hero! I have saved them from their slaving days! The end justifies the means, my friend.

Diable is well also. Landed on his feet. What a lovely cat. He has been a bit discombobulated tonight, however. I must take him to Madam Pomfrey.

**Tuesday November 26th**

Snape called me into his office after class this morning. I was dead frightened to enter; I had heard tales of children going into his quarters and never coming out again. I overheard Terry Boot crying into Blaise's sweater (it's sure to shrink) and whining about how horrible it is. She needs a real man, one that knows how to treat cotton-polyester blends. But alas, I am content with my Ginny. She is very warm and gives me her desert. It must be love!

Goyle told me that he once heard of a student named Alexander Drenson. Apparently he was called into Snape's office and from the hall everyone could hear shouts of "Help! Please!" and Snape yelling back, "It'll only hurt a bit!"

Although I have never heard of this Alexander Drenson, I decided that Goyle wouldn't lie to me and was very wary upon entrance.

It was only a meeting about my recent expullsion from the Slytherin team. He said that it was announced at the Great Feast that every student must have an extracurricular activity in order to graduate. I argued that I had not heard this rule and I was most certainly at the great feast.

Snape said that maybe I would have heard if I hadn't been shoving my face with sweets.

...did he just call me fat? In an offhand way, of course, but still! Me, fat? Never!

However, just to be on the safe side, I have decided to create a training regime so that in a short while I may become a perfect specimen of health and wellness.

**Wednesday November 27th**

Asked Goyle if he thought I was gaining a bit of weight. He grunted in response.

He grunted.

What does a grunt mean?

WHAT DOES A GRUNT MEAN?

Implimented my new training regimine today. It goes as follows: 600 sit-ups; 300 push-ups; 100 pull-ups using the Slytherin common room mantle.

I will be looking snazzy and fit in no time.

**Thursday November 28th**

I have made a few changes to my plan: 300 sit-ups; 100 push-ups; 16 pull-ups. It may take a bit longer, but I am sure results will pop up in a bit.

**Friday November 29th**

I have worked out the kinks of my regimine: 17 sit-ups; 12 push-ups; 10 pull-ups.

**Saturday November 30th**

3 sit-ups; 2 push-ups; 1 pull-up.

**Sunday December 1st**

Today I ate three chocolate bars, a marmelade cake, and a bowl of spotted dick. I am disgusted with myself.

Also, Hagrid made me clean his windows with a toothbrush. There must be centuries of grime on those panes! It was cruel and unusual punishment, that's what it was!

****

**Monday December 2nd**

Asked Ginny if I was fat today. She grabbed the tiniest bit of fat from my tummy and jiggled it around. I stormed out. We are no longer on speaking terms.

Snape stopped me in the hall and asked how my search for an extracurricular was coming along. I said that I would get to it when I was good and ready. Snape recommended that I volunteer to be his personal assistment. I respectfully declined; the job entailed washing his laundary. That's what houseelves are for!

Hermione Granger is trying to start a liberation front for oppressed gay and bisexual houseelves. At least that's what I gathered from the information packet. Goyle seemed very interested. Is he perhaps an activist in disguise? The club is called W.A.G.H.O. It's not even a word! Raven suggested I join as my extracurricular. I declined. I would rather not spend anymore time in a room with Hermione Granger than possible. I might get lost in her hair!

**Tuesday December 3rd**

Ginny gave me a chocolate frog today. We are speaking to eachother again. She also loaned me a quill in Muggle Studies. She is so generous! Can't say that of Goyle however, he never gives me a chocolate frog.

Went and tried to join the Wizard's Chess Club. I decided against it however. I told McGonagall, the moderator, that the violence was to much for me. She looked at me for a moment a laughed, shouting "Violence! Ha! Draco Malfoy is a pacisfist! Ha!"

What is a pacisfist? Is it an insult? I pust Neville Longbottom's toad in her soup, just in case it was. Still on my hunt for an extracurricular.

****

**Wednesday December 4th**

Sat in on a meeting of the Broom Enthusiast club. Not what I expected. Left very quickly.

****

**Thursday December 5th**

Tried to go to a Dumbledore's Army meeting but Harry Potter refused. He said I was evil and the point of the club was to fight evil, therefore, he should be giving me a bloody nose right now. I told him it was discrimination and he opened up.

It was dead boring. I sat at the back and tried to touch Ginny's leg, but she kept slapping my hand away. Harry Potter rambled on and on about how evil everyone but him must be while Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger nodded and said things like "Yeah!" and "Harry, may we kiss your feet?"

It was disgusting.

I think I will join.

**Friday December 6th**

Now with my extracurricular activity out of the way. I am free to enjoy myself. I think I will try my regimine again. Made an appointment with Madam Pomfrey for Diable. He is not his usual cunning self. He ran into a wall yesterday. I am dead worried.

**Saturday December 7th**

Tried to do a pull-up. Broke the mantle in the Slytherin Common room. Snape was dead mad. I am playing innocent. I have told him Terry Boot did it. Snape looked happy. All is well.

**Sunday December 8th**

Terry Boot has received ten detentions with Snape for "breaking the mantle". He cried on the Slytherin couch for two hours. Doesn't he have a common room of his own?

**Monday December 9th**

Woke up in a dead bad mood. Perhaps because it is raining and Raven woke me up by pushing me out of bed. Whatever the reason is, I am taking it out on everyone else. Marietta Edgecomb dropped a book and I threw it out the window andDiable clawed Cho Chang's heal. It was dead funny. She jumped up and down like a circus clown on a trampoline.

Snuck an extra mushroom in Harry and Ron Weasley's potion. It blew up. They no longer have eyebrows. They have been glaring at me all day. Without eyebrows, it doesn't actually look like glaring, more like they have a bit of something caught in their eye. It was quite amusing.

Tripped Seamus Finnigan on the stairs. I whistled. What a lovely day!

**Tuesday December 10th**

Diable has run away. Usually he stays by my side constantly so he can pee on my shoe at any moment. However, I have written a poem about his disappearence. It is dead good.

_He is not here, nor there, or anywhere. _

_He is not in the common room, he isn't in the great hall. He isn't in the bathroom. He isn't anywhere at all. _

_I cannot find him in a box, was he eaten by a fox? Do foxes even dare to tred here without fear of being shot dead?_

_It a puzzle, a perplexity, disturbing as may be? Where is my dear cat? Does Ginny really think I am fat?_

A masterpiece, however, I am still a bit worried about the cat.

**Wednesday December 11th**

Diable has returned. He was looking very smug about himself. He left a very warm return gift in my bed. It was disgusting. I put it in a box marked _To Blaise, From Terry Boot_

Perhaps I shouldn't have put his last name on the tag. After all, how many Terry's are prancing around this castle?

**Wednesday December 12th**

_Morning: _Was awoken by Blaise's frantic screams. Went back to bed very content.

_Afternoon:_ Went down for breakfast. Found Terry Boot running out the door, covered in banana pudding while Blaise shouted for him to run like the little coward he was. What a marvelous day!

_Dinner: _Ginny tried to sit at the Slytherin table at dinner tonight. It was dead nice, until the Gryffindor's rioted and carried her back to her own table. She left her desert. I gave it to the giant squid; I need not the temptation.

**Thursday December 13th**

Giant squid was sick all over the bank yesterday. I think it might have been the treacle, but I am not sure. Hagrid was made to clean it up and Harry Potter helped him. I watched while sitting on a lawnchair and sipping lemonade. How's that for karmic retribution?

The giant squid keeps glaring at me, if that is possible. I told it I was sorry and I didn't know he was allergic to treacle. There's not exactly a sign saying **_Don't Feed the Wild Squids_**, is there?

At dinner, Ginny and I tried to eat with the Hufflepuffs. They are a bit daft.

"Oy, who are you?" said one of the smaller ones. "You're not a Hufflepuff, are you?"

"I'm Cedric Diggory, you fool," I told him, stealing a piece of his chicken. Ginny stamped my foot. She told me later that it is disrespectful to pose as a dead person.

"I thought he was dead," a seventh year mused.

"I was...I came back to life. You know magic,"

"Oh...oh, yes, of course!" they all chimed in. "Ressurection, we know that trick!"

"He does have blond hair," another answered. Everyone nodded and I asked for their deserts. It was about that time that the Gryffindor's carried Ginny off again and my own Slytherin's captured me. I was chided for a good hour about the dangers of sitting with Hufflepuffs. Apparently, their blockheadedness is contagious.

Crabbe said he knew how I felt. Raven was stuck sitting with those bookworms, the Ravenclaws. I wish to rock the establisment. Why does everyone discriminate against interhousial relationships?

**Friday December 14th**

I was tormented in Muggle Studies for not paying proper attention. How can I concentrate when Christmas is upon us and I have yet to buy a gift for Ginny? I suppose I will make her something. Maybe a clay pot or a card. With lots of glitter. Or, I could give her back the lip balm I borrowed a month ago. That would do!

**Saturday December 15th**

Crabbe and I are genius's! We snuck into Snape's classroom around three this morning and lugged up one of the potions tables to the great hall. It now sits between Gyffindor and Slytherin. It is a safe haven for those of us with intohousial relationships!

_Later: _McGonagall told us we can't just steal a table from a classroom, that it's unethical. I asked her when ethics had ever been a problem before and tried to slip her a galleon, but she wouldn't have it. She told me she is above bribery. Ha! Nobody is above bribery!

**Sunday December 16th**

We were forced to give back the table and Snape was very indignant about it, very indignant indeed! We did give it back, no skin off of his back! Today is Hogsmeade, so I am quite jovial. Ginny and I went Christmas shopping. I bought her one of those ginormous suckers at the candy shop. She seemed very appreciative. I told she had better be, because it was she was getting out of me for Christmas. She "accidentally" got it stuck in my hair. It was horrible! McGonagall almost had to cut it out when we found her in the bookstore. Harry Potter and his lackeys stood behind and laughed. I tried to hex them, but McGonagall just kept tugging on my hair, harder and harder, so I tried not to anger her too much.

**Monday December 17th**

Ginny has invited me to stay at her house during Christmas vacation. I have agreed, only because I would love to the look on her Mum's face when I walk in the door!

A/N: I decided that the review questions went over so well the first time that I might as well continue. Here we go!

* * *

1) Is Draco's poetry getting better (meaning worse) or worse (meaning he actually sounds like a poet)?

2) Is Draco fat?

3) Does Terry Boot get a bit to much punishment?

4) Do you think that Snape is too squicky?

5) How do you think Molly will react when Draco Malfoy comes walking into her house?

6) What is your favorite joke?


End file.
